LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook
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Lines Addressed To A Young Lady
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Cast
Lord Byron – An uncouth youth
Mary Chaworth – A distant cousin
Gaggle of her equally dismissive friends
Gamekeeper
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SCENE 1
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1804 - Terrace at Annesley Hall, home of Mary Chaworth
​B: These maidens seem to find me a dashed handsome fellow - Hullo fair ones! (waves to bunch of giggling girls) - if they have their eyes on my Manor, so much the better - for it is somewhat short of game
Gamekeeper leaps upon the terrace
G: How do m’lud
B: Have you bought my gun?
G: I ‘ave that - here she be - a fine one she is too!
B: Are you Cornish? Perhaps you may be a relict of my familial loins - however - you have done a fine piece of work here - there’s a bank token
G: I be thanking you m’lud, arr (doffs cap and puts token behind ear)
B loads gun, waves somewhat randomly in the air, frightening the ducks
B: Oh the joy of firearms! (spies an old wooden gate) - that hound Musters will have to spoon out dollops of cash for repairs to this mansion - it is almost as picturesque as my own (wistfully)
B takes aim, fires - maidens run screaming, falling over ducks
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B(horrified): Oops! Sweet girls! Pardon the hissing leads, wafting over your headsmost assuredly I did not mean to send destruction o’er thy charms!
M: Oh you horrid boy!
B: My Mary! - surely some envious demon’s force, vex’d to behold such beauty here, impell’d the bullet’s viewless course
M: You nearly clipped the ear off my charming friend
B: Zounds - apologies! (waves to maiden on stretcher) so long as the bullets hurtled not o’er thy lovely head, or fill’d that breast with fond alarms..
M: Fond? Sweet Jesus! You must desist in this language - and turning pale whenever I enter your chamber - I am to be married!
B turns pale
M: I just heard the tocsin of the soul - i.e. ‘tis dinner - you are expected
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B glowers, but follows
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SCENE 2
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The dinner table is coolish
M: Pals and relations - my Lord has something to say to you - Byron?
B: I confess, in my carelessness - unexceptional in a youth distracted with undying love - my gun, a corker from Mantons - diverted from its first career - yes! in that nearly fatal hour, the ball obey’d some hell-born guide
M(pats Byron’s trembling hand): But Heaven, with interposing power, in pity turn’d the death aside
Girls: Saints be praised!
B: Yet, as perchance one trembling tear upon that thrilling bosom fell...
M: In the name! - Byron!! (covers ears as do most of the other girls)
B: Deuced if I know what dire penance can atone for such an outrage done to thee! (throws napkin to the table, throws comb-over aside - revealing his eyes, which are portals of the Sun)
Some of the girls gasp
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M(gets up, to the girls): What punishment wilt thou decree? Might I perform the judge’s part?
Girls are busy gawping at the newly-handsome Lord with the vast acreage - and will not commit to answer
B: Pfft!! I’ve enough of your tortures my Mary - I’m off to yonder diadem (points to hill) - again, apologies ladies-my stars and garters!!- my, you are all quite pretty and luminous!
Giggles of a more flattering nature ensue
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M(angry): If you continue with that temper and poor marksmanship, you’ll never again see finer maidens arraign’d before you
B: I suspect, my Mary, I shall (storms off)
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SCENE 3
On top of oddly diademed Hill
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M: You must not look at my innocent-seeming friends in the eye in so lustful a manner Byron
B(playing with a daisy): Your sentence I should scarce deplore - it only would restore a heart which but belong’d to thee before
M: Stop it! Yonder - see my fine betrothed in his hunting gear? (waves over-excitedly). The daily - nay, oft times five times daily - devotion to his tenantry should serve as an example for all
B: Henceforth I breathe but for thy sake, thou shalt be all in all to me
M: Jack, my soon-to-be devoted husband, will have your hide and house if you continue with this kind of drivel - he dislikes books, poetry, etc.
B: I care not, he looks ridiculous - what atrocious whiskers - and his trousers are always buttoned up somewhat inexpertly
M: I will not see you for a good few years Byron - but I would not dislike to catch up when you return from your holidays
B: I swear, nought shall thy dread decree prevent - let it be aught but banishment!
M gets up in a huff, the sky weeps for her incandescent charms
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M: Part we must - I to a life of marital bliss - (with tenderness) I wish the same for you Byron - plain in every possible way though you be at this moment in time
B: My Scottish and Cornish blood - that Celtic mix of mystic fairy-wrangling and spellbinding - tells me we will share a fate - my English blood says it's a sure bet
M: You think?
B: And yet we shall not be together - I shall just miss you at Hastings
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M extends hand to B – who refuses it
B: No you shall not have the thrilling touch of my superbly beautiful white hand - you have tortured me enough! I’m off to make my own way in the world and when I return you will feel like a chicken bone has been lodged in your throat
M: I’m on a milk diet for insurance purposes - I’m off to meet Musters - anon Byron!
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M runs down hill
B: To Newstead! - to ghosts and bogles - no sighs! - no ogles!
B walks down the hill until he can no longer see his Mary smiling - is tapped on the shoulder by the gamekeeper
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G: You forgot your gun m’lud - mind your way back t’house - there be bogles along the way
B: I have had a deficiency of luck shooting in the dark, my faithful Cornish kinsman - but I shall take it - one day - perchance - I shall hit my mark
B makes haste towards Newstead, across lands broad and rich
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END