The Inexhaustible Miss Cameron

lord byron's

inexhaustible

miss cameron

Cast

Lord Byron

Caroline Cameron

J.C. Hobhouse

S.B. Davies

C.G. Byron

2 Ancient Dashers

1808, a well-kept cottage in Brompton within a discreet distance of The Town

B(to CC): My college chums are paying a visit - make sharpish with the tidying

CC: We have a char and a groom for that - I have to do my own hair! - you have not yet provided me with a French maid

B: Discretion, my favoured concubine, or we will be ruined (pecks her cheek) - you know how French maids love to gossip

CC: Indeed - when on the Town - the chief bawds, blackmailers and slanderers were all ex-French maids

B: I hear the trotting of a pyeballed palfrey - make haste!

CC disappears upstairs - B sees Scrope's little Dormeuse carriage approach

B: Scrope! Hobhouse! (brings out bumpers of Cider)

H & SBD: How do Byron!!

Mutual warm greetings ensure - the Cider and the guests are bought inside

H: What in God's teeth has brought you to this primitive dwelling - despite it's being a handy gallop from the Cocoa Tree?

B: Your answer will descend presently

SBD: You dog! - are you keeping a piece here? Or two perchance? (SBD all merriment - H, not so much)

B: I'm not in the habit of keeping my dear Scrope - as you know (flops into chair) I require rest and recuperation after my confinement at Southwell - that cursed, detestable and abhorred abode of scandal, antiquated virginity, and Goddamed universal infamy! (winces) - do pardon the blasphemy

H: I hope confinement in this equally rural cistern eases your temper somewhat - and you commence work on a doughty poem which will earn you a bust in the Abbey

B: humph! - I am twenty now and therefore have not long to live - anyways, I am fairly knocked up with rhyme

Movement is heard overhead - footsteps descend the stairs - H and SBD are momentarily speechless

B: Friends - may I present my current and most tireless inamorata - Miss Caroline Cameron

CC: I know both of you - (circling the lads) - you have the faces of veteran lobby loungers

SBD (to CC): I will have coffee - strong, mind - and a copy of Horse and Hound

H: By all that's holy, what is going on here Byron?

CC (to H): Oh yes - I know you - you're a biter!

Lads shift on feet

B: Caroline - my Delilah - these are our guests - you are not in the Bawdyhouse now!

H: OUR guests?

B: Yes - me and Caroline have shacked up - when I gain my majority we will move into Newstead, as Caroline has suggested

SBD: Well, she's a damned fine piece at any rate (continues with the expert ogling) no doubt when your romance has desisted, I will show a marked interest in her

CC: Nay! - my days on the Town are over Mr. Scrope - I shall join the ranks of ex-milliners and actresses who cleanse the blood of hereditarily insane aristocrats

H(triumphantly): If you thought you consigned the whole race of fortune-hunters to the Pit of Acheron by leaving your northern abode - 'twould seem you were mistaken somewhat

SBD: So very many Carolines my dear Byron - perhaps for fear of confusion, you should steer clear of Carolines in future - also, do remember that too frequent connection with a milliner will require restoration by Pearson’s

B(laughs): Aye, Pearson sayeth I have done sufficient with this last ten days to undermine my Constitution - I hope however all will soon be well (CC smiles encouragingly)

SBD: pfft! - I pray to all the Silver Hells in St. James' that this scandalous reversal in your commitment to fleeting passions stays within these walls!

Caroline gathers her skirts and flounces to the scullery to throw her weight around

SCENE 2

The lads, and Caroline, are preparing for a trip to the gaming houses of Brighton

B: Caroline - whilst I respect that you are no longer a working girl per se - it would not do for me to travel with an unmarried individual with mark'd cockney origins

CC: You devil! - (pauses) - I suppose that will change when I am Lady Byron - for the present I am prepared to accept the insult

B: Yes - well - for now - you will condescend to travel as my boon companion - here (passes C a pair of his nankeens and smart black coat) - they should fit as I was quite voluptuous myself at one point

C dons attire - and looks surprisingly well - somewhat like a middle-manager of a suburban insurance company in years hence

B: Good lord! - only a fool would think I could find such a get-up in any way attractive (furrows brow)

CC: I demand a fully trained French maid - a former Carmelite novice would suffice - for my part in this fiasco, even Mr. Hobhouse never asked for such favours

B(somewhat unsettled): In the coach Car.., nay - ‘ cousin Gordon' - to Brighthelmstone! - oons! how I love orthography!

Byron's coach makes its way across country - they arrive to find H and SBD waiting in the hotel lobby, by the ferns

H: Why is your groom signing the register Byron?

SBD: I say - damned if the pup didn't just throw me a saucy look!

B: Did she by God!!

SBD & H: Caroline!

(C hitches up somewhat loose nankeens)

SBD: In the name of Brummel! - this is too much - even for Brighton!

B: You - you profane Scoffer! Brighthelmstone is not a town whose inhabitants are notorious for officious curiosity - unlike Southwell - prepare for a mighty session of Hazard where I shall explain all - and at which my cousin Gordon shall not be present!

SCENE 3

Caroline is now in equestrian attire - fetching, but odd without a horse nearby

H: Byron - I must speak to you in seriousness about this damnable situation! - I shall meet you in ten by the ferns

CC is chatting in the foyer with a pair of ancient dashers

A1: Where is your steed my dear? - you look somewhat misplaced without one

CC: I have an 'orse - it's my cousin - over there (pointing to B) - what gave it to me - (spotting H and B) - I'll take my leave of yer, ladies (proceeds to hide behind ferns)

A2: He wouldn't get away with such outrages in Southwell - Brompton perhaps

Both: Tsk tsk! what will become of yet another scandalous Lord Byron!

CC finds an excellent spot to eavesdrop

H(to B): Own that this is but a sad state of yours and a very miserable way of going on for you - this infatuation - this madness - this burning mutual love which has driven you to such lengths Byron! Of all your adventures - this is by far the most injurious to your reputation - it must come to an end!

B: Oh Hobby! I tire of promiscuous concubinage - and will settle for a quiet, though debauched, life with the inexhaustible Miss Cameron as my official mistress and disciplinarian of the roaming Paphians of Newstead

H: Open your eyes - which are portals of the sun - my friend! I saw the Floozy ask Scrope for tips on Hazard - and requesting specifics re. the upholstery inside his Dormeuse

B: Ah! - once more betrayed!!! (weeps on H's shoulder - recovers promptly) - however, I am suffering from severe exhaustion - and damned be to it - if the girl cannot read and write!

CC jumps out from behind ferns and scratches H's face

CC: You unbathed varlet!! I'll see to it you are never again favoured with dearly-bought charms at any house or lobby in London!

An almighty contretemps is happening in the lobby - several employees seem injured

B(actually quite relieved): Mother!!

CGB: BYRON!! The game is up! You are returning to Southwell with me - London and its abyss of sensuality are making another Jack Byron of you - God rest his soul! - Do you owe money to your tailor? Who is this oddly dressed strumpet? Have you demanded satisfaction of anyone?

B: There have been several instances of insolence - there's Mr. Tiddie er - Hewson Clarke, Henry Brougham, and Robert Southey

CGB: Good god - that's a fine brace! - I will take care of them - make haste - your Manor is being plundered! (grabs B's ear - and drags him out) Mr. Hobhouse, Mr. Davies - you are baleful influences on my son - never venture to Southwell - or you will receive fire-tongs to the head! (H covers himself with fronds and departs promptly)

CC(forlorn): Quel dommage! I must perchance go back to Lord Sligo's keeping or the Bawd

SBD: My little Dormeuse carriage awaits fair Caroline - for you are quite aptly attired - and I will teach you the tricks of Hazard which you so keenly desired!

CC takes SBD's arm and jaunts past Hobhouse, cowering outside, and gives him one more scratch across the cheek, for luck

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