LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Brief Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook


On The Change Of Masters at a
Great Public School
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CAST
Lord Byron - Blackguard, down from the mountains
Dr. Drury - Headmaster
Pomposus - Proposed Headmaster
Gang of impressionable Youths
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SCENE 1
1805 - headmaster's luxurious office
D: Welcome indeed Dr. Pomposus - I hope you will not find your time with us too harrowing heh heh - what?
P(sneering): Have no fear, my good Doctor - the underfed, overbred brats will not get the better of me
D: Yes, well - they are quite sweet little chaps at heart - anyways - just mind that curly-headed monkey Georgie Byron
P: Byron huh? Boating chap? Killed someone in a brothel, no?
D: Not at all - really - great potential that young man - owing to his being related to Scots royalty, so his Mother informs me - often
Knock on door, a servant delivers a letter
D(blushing): You may have to excuse me temporarily my dear Doctor - there seems to be some sort of societal breakdown in the common room - please, help yourself to the medicinal Sherry
D exits, enters common room
D: I am shocked boys - shocked to my threadbare stockings - at your threats of novel forms of violence!
B: Hail Drury (bows) - as I am now King - and out of respect for taking it easy on me - I feel duty-bound to my subjects here (the boys shout ‘yay Byron’) and before we burn the school down, to ask why Probus has fill’d your magisterial throne?
D(confidentially): Yes, well there is a teacher shortage - despite the extravagant holidays - but indeed, boys (sighs) - he unfortunately is of narrow brain, yet of a narrower soul and could well enact new-fangled rules and harsh control…
B: That damnable son of a button-maker most assuredly shall not! Collective action is now unavoidable Drury!
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Chorus - Burn, Burn, Burn!!!
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B: All in good time, my devoted acolytes! Drury, to the matter at hand - are us youth - as future rulers, rakes, and ruiners of ancient fortunes - to expect our school to emulate ancient Rome, when it was fast falling to disgrace, and hail a barbarian in Cæsar’s place?
D: You’ve been at your books young Byron - are you enjoying Gibbon? (smiles gently) - would you like fruit cake for your tea?
B: mmm (turns to subjects) this could be a complex negotiation - remain here - and don’t burn anything just yet - esp. not the bits of panelling with my name on them
B and D exit
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SCENE 2
D shows B into his rooms - P advances, scowling
P: Nothing serious - one hopes
D: Boys, tsk! - how incendiary they get! Nothing fruitcake can’t fix - aye, my young English baron?
B: It’s a strong negotiating position - (angrily to P) - who are you - you, degenerate?! and what are you doing on my property?
P: Degenerate! - why you (reaches for empty Sherry bottle)
D: Calm! Saints preserve us - have I not enough catastrophe to be dealing with! (to Byron) - this is your new Headmaster
B: HIM? Oh! I sense the same dire fate as attended Rome, Ill-fated Ida! (to D) - have him flayed, feathered, and sent downtown on a barge - that will appease my people - or you will soon stamp your doom
D: Damn me if you will Byron! Pardon the florid jargon (pulls himself up). Although future generations of Drury’s may bear your name - your behaviour at this moment is intolerable
B: Fruitcake with all the best bits - cherries and the like - for me, if you please - and a hefty slice for each of my comrades
P: What noisy nonsense! Expel the little blackguard!
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B flies at P
B: You will NOT govern, Pomposus! (gasp from D)
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B bites P’s ankles and pulls his nose, P struggles for the door
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SCENE 3
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B stands on top of the whipping block in the common room, wearing P’s cap and gown
B: We’ve had a great day here (applause) - assurances have been put in place that Pomposus - unsurprisingly by no social virtue sway’d - has relayed - via the school nurse - that he will in future not mistake pedantry for learning’s laws - although he may well govern, sanction’d but by self applause
Children whoop and shout ‘yay Byron’
B: To conclude, I’d just like to thank a few people - Dr. Drury (D demurs) no, I couldn’t have instigated and then quelled a rebellion without fruitcake - a hand for the Doctor!
Round of applause
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B: My crew - Clare, Dorset, Delawarr - thanks for being there and holding the matches - lastly, it’s up to us youth - Scions of the Nation - to ensure Ida is never lost to Fame!
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Applause and cheers - D hands out cream buns and ale
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END
