On The Change Of Masters

at a 

Great Public School

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CAST

Lord Byron 

Dr. Drury

The Reverend Butler/Pomposus

Gang of Impressionable Youths

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SCENE 1

 

1804, Harrow-on-the-Hill (aka Ida) - the headmaster’s luxurious office

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D: Welcome indeed, Reverend Butler - I hope you will not find your new position too harrowing - heh heh - wouldn’t want to aggravate a lurking thrombosis - eh, what?

P(sneering): Have no fear, my good Doctor - the underfed, overbred brats shall not derange this nut! (proudly taps skull)

D: Er, well - in truth, they are quite sweet little chaps at heart - but ‘twould be advisable to mind that curly-headed monkey Georgie Byron - the child has a turbulent and riotous disposition which impels him into every species of mischief (sighs) - always cricketing, rebelling, rowing - he once saved me from the butt of a rustic’s musket, however

P: Byron huh? Boating chap? Killed someone in a brothel? Put his cousin in a coffin?

D: Tsk! Idle gossip - and a dismissal by his peers - truly great potential the younger boy - owing to his co-sanguinity with Scots royalty, so his Mother informs me - often

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Knock on door, a servant delivers a letter

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D(blushing): My dear Reverend, you may have to excuse me temporarily - there seems to be some sort of societal breakdown in the common room - please, help yourself to the medicinal Sherry

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D exits, enters common room

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D: Byron, what is the meaning of this revolutionary epistle? - I am shocked to my coat-tails at your threats of novel forms of violence!

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Byron is standing on a window ledge

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B: Hail Drury! (bows) I have been voted Emporer by my comrades - and out of respect for taking it easy on me - I feel duty-bound to my subjects here (the boys shout ‘yay Byron’) - and before we burn the school down - to ask why that two-penny half-wit, Pomposus, will fill your magisterial throne?

D: Pomposus? - oh, the Reverend Butler (to self: ‘tis a fair assessment - I cannot counter convincingly) - There is a teacher shortage abroad, and most minor divines would rather have a gallstone - (sighs) but indeed, boys, your new Master unfortunately is of narrow brain, yet of a narrower soul and could well enact new-fangled rules and harsh control - for certes, weighty shall be the lessons of this Reverend beau

B: That damnable son of a button-maker most assuredly shall not o’er Boys hold a trembling reign! Collective action is now unavoidable - the coxcomb shall be set alight and tied to the weather vane!

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​Chorus - Burn, Burn, Burn!!!

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​B: All in good time, my devoted protégées! Drury, to the matter at hand - are us youth - as future rulers, rakes, and ruiners of ancient fortunes - to expect our school to emulate ancient Rome, when it was fast falling to disgrace, and hail a barbarian in Cæsar’s place?

D: You’ve been at your books, young Byron - are you enjoying Gibbon? (smiles gently) Would you like fruitcake for your tea, and a fair raid on my bookcase?

B: Mmm (turns to subjects) this could be a complex negotiation - remain here - and don’t burn anything just yet - esp. not the bits of panelling with my name on them

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B and D exit

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SCENE 2

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D shows B into his rooms - P advances, scowling

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P: Nothing serious - one hopes

D: Boys, tsk! - how incendiary they get! - nothing that fruitcake from Mother Barnard’s tuckshop can’t fix - do I err young Byron?

B: ‘Tis certainly a strong negotiating position (angrily to P) Who are you - you, degenerate?! - and what are you doing on my property?

P: Degenerate! - why you (reaches for empty Sherry bottle) - Drury, I will not be insulted with impunity!

D: Compose yourselves! Saints preserve us - have I not enough catastrophe and factious strife to be dealing with! (to Byron) - this is the Reverend Butler, your new Headmaster

B: This is HE? (scans the interloper up & down) Oh! I sense the same dire fate as attended Rome - oh, ill-fated Ida! (to D) - Have him flayed, feathered, and sent downtown on a barge - that will appease my people - otherwise this fine old school will be a conflagration of inflammation!

D: Damn me if I will, Byron! Pardon the florid jargon (pulls himself up) - Although future generations of Drury’s may bear your name - your behaviour at this moment is intolerable!

B: I shall not sanction this ghastly journeyman until I get fruitcake with all the best bits - cherries and the like - for me, if you please - and a hefty slice for each of my comrades

P: What noisy nonsense! Expel the little blackguard! Throw him in the army - then see how bold he is before advancing Prussian troops lobbing live hand grenades

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​B flies at P

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​B: You will NOT govern, Pomposus! (gasp from D) - thou! - but half a Pedagogue, and half a Fop - not formed to grace the pulpit, but the Shop (lunges) - the counter, not the desk, should be your place, who deals out precepts, as if dealing Lace!

D: Really, is this fitting language to use toward a stranger?

P: Abominable boy! - fetch his Mother, Drury - she, being of the Scots breed, undoubetdly doesn’t want him far from their sty and their shantytown

B(laughs, vigorously): ‘Twould be better to sign away your life to the devil, Pomposus, than bring my mother down!

D: Aye, a fit of phrenzy from the Hon. Mrs. Byron is a bewildering sight - makes one quite feel the most undutiful wretch in existence (finds chair, mops brow) - she is so very strenuous, so tormenting in her entreaties and commands - her temper is so variable, and when inflamed, so furious, that I dread our meetings - where is the medicinal Sherry?!

B: In the throttle of this old soak! (P throws walking stick at B, who ducks handily) So be it! - you shall send Pomposus back to his flophouse, or Kitty Gordon shall be recalled from Notts. - what say you, Drury?

D: Simply because I am about to leave Harrow, young Byron, it is no reason to make the house a scene of Riot and Confusion! I simply cannot let small, abandoned children boss me about the place - the Reverend Butler will stay - now! - for the love of St. Boniface - will you please allow me some headspace! (looks under sopha for the Sherry)

P: Aye, get in the cupboard, ye roofless pip-squeak of narrow fortune

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​B bites P’s ankles and pulls his nose, P locks himself in cupboard, D has a brainwave

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SCENE 3

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​Evening in the common room

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B(frowning): You’re assured that this proceeding will work in perpetuity, Dr. Drury? - I think only of those less senior and less fond of physical violence than myself

D: Oh, the notion succeeded more than I could have hoped (rummages in pocket) - there (B jumps) - did not your amiable mother gift me the locket as a token of her esteem - I recall her saying “remember me if e’er you have recourse to scold my only child” - something like that - and bedad - it did the trick, my lad (a miniature of Mrs. B furiously polishing a set of fire tongs rests in his hand) - both with yourself - and the now septentriophobic, quivering Pomposus - er, I should say, the chastened Reverend Butler

B: God bless that Amiable Alecto!

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B triumphantly stands on top of the whipping block, wearing P’s cap and gown

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B: We’ve had a great day here (applause) - assurances have been put in place that Pomposus - unsurprisingly by no social virtue sway’d - has relayed - via the school psychiatrist - that he will in future not mistake pedantry for learning’s laws - although he may well govern, sanction’d but by self applause

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Children whoop and shout ‘Yay to the Old English Baron’

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D: Er, to the point - I expect you all, what with his lordship condescending to permit the Reverend Butler to earn a living, to behave in a gentlemanly manner toward your new headmaster, as you would a new second footman or a superannuated valet..

B: ..and do refrain - comrades - from assaulting the buffoon with a Latin primer, a hungry rat, or (thinks) a stale baguette

D: Indeed children, gift yourselves the future pleasure of pointless violence, for I feel sure many of you shall fertilise Golders Green yet

B: To conclude, I’d like to thank Dr. Drury (D demurs) no, I could not have instigated and then quelled a rebellion without imbibing of fruitcake - however (B’s chin wobbles) - we must say farewell to our “Seniores priores” - so much a Gentleman, so much mildness (bows) - With him for years I search’d the classic page, Culling the treasures of the letter’d sage - we will remember your instructions with gratitude as long as we live, for Harrow will be a desart without you - three cheers for Dr. Drury!

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Cheers, weepings and a round of applause ensue

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​B: To my crew - Clare, Dorset, Delawarr, Long - thanks for minding the communal flammables and your restraint in not setting the plebian, albeit now under control, Pomposus aflame - and lastly, it’s up to us youth - Scions of the Nation - to ensure Ida is never lost to Fame!

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​​Gunshot is heard somewhere, fireworks erupt - D calmly hands out more fruitcake and ale​

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END