LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook
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HENRIETTA
PECKS BYRON
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Cast
Lord Byron
Henrietta D’Ussières, Governess
Mrs. Botherby
Fletcher
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SCENE 1
A respectable mansion, London 1814
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H: Mrs. Botherby?
MB: Yes Henrietta
H: I require an increase in my stipend
MB: Whatever for Hen? You seldom venture outside, your harp-lute is well-tuned - apart from having to custom-make boots for your very large feet, why ever can you need more money?
H: Ink - ma'am - ink and paper - seals and wax - and blue ribbon
MB: Are you writing a novel? A memoir?
H: Letters, ma'am - many letters - nay, not letters per se - threats - never-ending threats - to my future spouse
MB: Excellent Hen! - for I nabbed Mr. Botherby the same way - but leaving us so soon - why, I am quite unprepared
H: He is - at present - unaware of his proposal - but it will be the inevitable outcome of my convincing insistence on Platonics
MB: Well! of course your Platonics are sincere Henrietta (frowns) - but is he a respectable man - able to afford to keep you in harp-lute and shoe repairs?
H: All that - he writes poesy to me - me alone - under different guises, of course (sighs)
MB: Very well - I shall up your pay by £1 per month - will that enable a successful match?
H: Assuredly Mrs. Botherby - for I write seven times a day and will tire him to death by degrees
MB: Better not imitate Bellingham, and kill him at all once, my dear Hen
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MB laughs into her embroidery - H hastens to her quarters
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H: How to effect a meeting? - the penny post office is already throwing daggers at me - mmm - his Man could send a message to me - yes - and if he defiantly refuses my Platonics - or goes into the country (sinks) - I must desist - or risk a second exile!
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SCENE 2
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Byron's Albany pad
F: This morning's bombardment my Lord (carries a travelling trunk full of letters tied with blue ribbons)
B(picks one): Oons - bien sûr - it's Henrietta yet again - now she wants me to place a notice in the Courier! - that compound of baseness and malice?! (F and B scoff with venom) - and to state that 'B---- forgives' (turns over letter) forgives what? - oh - she's prepared to wait until Monday for it?! how very thoughtful is my new Thyrza - as she styles herself - or “sister” - or (scrutinises letter) “affectionate cousin"?? be damned to such nonsense
F: A common ploy - we have seen it used many a time my Lord
B(lethargic): Indeed we have Fletcher - although, somehow they do seem to wear me down - and at the moment I have many, many cares - a marriage emerging from the ether - my Mary prancing towards me from Notts - that conjunction is surely the cruellest joke that's yet been played on me
F fetches the brandy
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B: As to Henrietta - does she describe herself Fletcher?
F: er - mmm - from Switzerland
B: I am fond of mountainous terrain
F: Plays the harp-lute
B: Dashed fond of music too
F: Is .... an exile?! - and a savage (cocks head) - yea - a savage girl - an exile - who escaped betrothal to a hideous old man
B: Oh now we're cooking - a tigress perchance
F: Is tall
B: Zounds! - I do hate a dumpy woman!
F: Is threatening to throw herself into the Serpentine
B: Excellent - for I swim like a duck (goes to writing desk)
F(shaking head): My lord - have a care - she may write like a clever woman but she may behave as unlike one as possible
B: Not at all Fletcher - she swears by the Platonic system - and is but envious of Mrs. Mule (hands letter to F - F sighs deeply)​​
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SCENE 3
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H has found her way to the Albany - is unfurling herself from a long veil
B: You are most welcome Miss d’Ussières
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H is shaking all over
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H: Phew - is it always this busy of a Saturday? A half-gentleman, half-beggar gave me two knocks on the arm - said he would take care of me - is that not terrifying? I visited your dentist - he told me our eyes were similar - dark and sparkling - what say you? The Allied sovereigns are in town - did you know I encountered Napoleon at a parade near Lausanne? - he picked me up after a fall when I was run over by his aide-de-camp - the English...
B: er, well - now, Miss d’Ussières..
H: I hid in the forest from my father once - but his favourite setting dog betrayed my cover - then my sister...
B(explodes): Miss d’Ussières!! (calms) - there is nothing to fear from me dear girl - if you will become acquainted with me - I will promise not to make love to you unless you like it - and even if I did there is no occasion for you to receive more of it than you p....
H: You are not in the court-guide - do you really live here? - I can't believe I'm here - oh! you have a parrot - and a crucifix - I too, am a believer in household pets - they do calm one so do they not? ( Jenny the parrot is gathering seeds as weaponry - is planning a surprise attack) - oh your books - how tumbled down are your shelves - let me arrange them - oh! the scared desk - is this where you write odes to me and...
B: Miss d’Ussières!! - Fletcher!! - soda water and biscuit for Miss d’Ussières - (to H) - that will ease your innards my dear - you see, I am a hero to no person whatsoever - do not treat me with such outrageous respect and awe - it makes me feel as if I was in a strait waistcoat
H: How white silk becomes you, my Lord (flutters lashes) - may I? (removes gloves) - what will your servants think?
B: 1stly. they seldom think at all - 2 dly. they are generally out of the way - particularly when most wanted - now (takes her hand) - Henrietta we shall speak of the art of friendship and..
H(wobbles): My Lord Byron! Why are you spoiling my joy?! I am as pure as an Alp in spring - I thought you'd be my zealous protector! Will we pray the Rosary (hands beads to B whose fist tightens about them) - oh! you broke them - no matter - it is a pagan custom - why your hands are so very fine - er -ah - oh! there is some dry biscuit on your lip, let me..
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Mule and Fletcher are heard guffawing in the pantry
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B(irritated): Miss d’Ussières! - I had faith in your Platonics - for I need a friend - yea, a woman - I do find the presence of a woman softening - but I see I have been deceived - you are yet another coveter of my fame - my name - and - 'twould seem (H is admiring the lining of B's waistcoat) - my frame
F: Mr. Davies and Mr. Kinnaird to see you my Lord
B: I have a gentleman's party waiting Henrietta - there will be brandy, cigars, talk of commercial transactions of a most nocturnal nature - after which I shall be married - now, I must thank...
H(jumps up): Married? Nay, nay my Lord - for prolonged correspondence with a spinster is in fact an understanding marriage will ensue! - it is in the Geneva Convention - which my Papa helped draft when we... are you sneering?
B: Have you acreage, Miss d’Ussières - mines - a herd of fattening sheep - capital in the 6 percents? If not - another spinster of pretended platonics and - yea, even more psychologically unhinged epistles - has beat you to the altar
F(coughs): Mr. Kinnaird and other experienced men of the world are currently disrobing in the hall Miss d’Ussières!
H: Mon dieu! - where shall I go? I shall be ruined (frowns) yet again - Mrs. Botherby is expecting an announcement in The Times! - (mumbles) why do my plans never work, like never!
F: If you follow me Miss - you can leave via the pantry - be sure not to dislodge the mops and brooms or Mrs. Mule will box you on the ear
H: That our love has come to this - a sepulchre for brooms and mops! (Jenny the parrot pelts H rapidly with carroway seeds) ow and ouch!! - why does this caged beast hate me so?
B: Jenny? - she deals in the occult (J plays dead) - her devilish jealousy has harried many a determined blue-stocking from my quarters (ruffles Jenny's tail-feathers)
H: My Lord - must I settle for my harp-lute - my tears - my remembrances of your chin - your mouth - your whole person? must I return to Switzerland - to my father's gamekeeper - who has yet to pen a single ode to me?!
B: Fletcher!! - show Miss d’Ussières out will you - please
H(sobs and waves): Will you name your firstborn after me? Will you ever visit me in Geneva?
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Henrietta departs, tidying B's desk as she goes
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B(exhausted): Geneva! - good god, Henrietta you're such a fright! - you'll see me in Geneva when day is as black as night!
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END​
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