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epistle

to

Mr. Murray

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Cast

Lord Byron 

John Murray II

JC Hobhouse 

PB Shelley​

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SCENE 1

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Venice, 1818 - B is relaxing with a fish supper after an exhausting stretch of scribbling and masking

 

B: What am I supposed to drink with salt-fish, Hobhouse - eh - what?

H: Neat gin I’d imagine - now, to business Byron - Murray demands your ultimate Canto - is the damned thing ready?

B: Oh that? ‘tis - but I am most probably done with my Pilgrim

H: You don't say?! (frowns) that is unfortunate - however - we can but hope the future will provide horrors equal to '16 to inspire further Childesque ramblings and musings 

B: Why you shabby fellow! 

H(whimpers): It's this palazzo! It has degraded my homely English sense of fair play (glares at portrait of a near-naked Prelate and his mistress) - I must leave these seductive Italian colour schemes, sumptuous beds, sophas and housemaids - so very different to dear Wimbledon - and which, one imagines, must be draining your purse

B: One can live easily up to one's tailoring and upholstery in this Adriatic soup-kitchen (grumbles) - although my landlady is oft in her attic, which deucedly compromises my affairs - as for ready money - I caress my little sequins every day

H: heh - now to Murray! - he wants his damned Canto

B: It’s safe in your portmanteau

H: ‘Twould seem there are only our goodbyes left to complete..

 

H becomes tearful - B hands him a key to his Casino

 

H: Blast it all to hell Byron! I have no time for your whore-hold - I have a few more water works to inspect - anyway, addio my dear friend

 

H and B shake hands and turn their backs, with emotion

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SCENE 2

 

Shelley is paying Byron a visit - is impressed by the Palazzo, despite being a communist

 

B: Shelley - how well you look!

S(panics): Oh dear - do I? (runs to mirror - is temporarily lost in thought) - well, my Lord - business first - I also am being harassed by Murray

B: That fiend! What does the renegade want?

S: He is anxious for your ‘Beppo’

B: humph! tell him - when copied, I’ll send it

S: He complains he has only Sotheby’s Tour..

B: No great things - to be sure­ (both guffaw)

S: The pompous rapscallion - who don’t speak Italian, nor French, must have scribbled by guess work (both now roaring)

B: He can make any loss up with ‘Spence’ and his gossip - a work which must surely succeed (clink glasses - despite Shelley abstaining from hard liquor)

B: All this deuced nonsense - he must be behind on his party contributions (paces) - he has a stable of hacks - why would he flog his blood horse - which would be me - to death?!

S: I wouldn’t half mind being flogged to death (sinks in chair)

B: What now?

S: Oh! - to be tormented by global stardom and intermittent correspondence from a Gentleman publisher

B: In good time my dear Snake, for now, to succeed you must write to make people purchase and read (ponders, helpfully) - how about General Gordon - a fine subject

S: I detest military matters

B(shakes head): oons! - this is what comes from belonging to a sheep-rearing dynasty - anyway - this fine man, who girded his sword on, to serve with a Muscovite master and help him to polish a nation so owlish - they thought shaving their beards a disaster!

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B sees S still in a funk

 

B: Let’s go to the beach, my friend - you’ll feel better there - brains whizzing etc - you can see my eagle spirit soar

S: Very well

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B and S depart

 

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SCENE 3

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Breezy day on the Lido - all the horses in Venice belong to Byron and have fantastical saddles, bits etc. - Shelley has a surprisingly good seat considering his longing for death

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S: You must - after we have communicated without fear along this lonely coast - give me a message to take back to Murray

B: I have many more pounds of flesh for him to feast upon - unless I get the Tertian again - but for now I need corn plasters and Macassar oil - incomparable - did you ever try it? - you have great hair if you’d get it dressed - oh! and a couple of savage Bulldogs

S: He specifically warned me you’d make such outlandish, canker-y aristocratic demands

B: Heh heh - the proper way to deal with the poor yet shrewd man, my good Snake! - no - you may inform him that I’ll conclude a compact without more delay - and repeat to him “please, sir, to mention your pay” - it should provide deuced quality entertainment to watch him respond

S: That your pen is still extant in Venice will be coinage to his ears

B: Now - temporal things done - would you like to witness the pageant of my bleeding heart?

S: Indeed - I’ll race you!

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The two poets pick up speed and disappear into the sea spray

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​​​END

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