LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Brief Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook


​​
epistle
to
Mr. Murray
​
​j
Cast
Lord Byron
John Murray II
JC Hobhouse
PB Shelley​
​
j
SCENE 1
​
Venice, 1818 - B is relaxing with a fish supper after an exhausting stretch of scribbling and masking
B: What am I supposed to drink with salt-fish, Hobhouse - eh - what?
H: Neat gin I’d imagine - now, to business Byron - Murray demands your ultimate Canto - is the damned thing ready?
B: Oh that? ‘tis - but I am most probably done with my Pilgrim
H: You don't say?! (frowns) that is unfortunate - however - we can but hope the future will provide horrors equal to '16 to inspire further Childesque ramblings and musings
B: Why you shabby fellow!
H(whimpers): It's this palazzo! It has degraded my homely English sense of fair play (glares at portrait of a near-naked Prelate and his mistress) - I must leave these seductive Italian colour schemes, sumptuous beds, sophas and housemaids - so very different to dear Wimbledon - and which, one imagines, must be draining your purse
B: One can live easily up to one's tailoring and upholstery in this Adriatic soup-kitchen (grumbles) - although my landlady is oft in her attic, which deucedly compromises my affairs - as for ready money - I caress my little sequins every day
H: heh - now to Murray! - he wants his damned Canto
B: It’s safe in your portmanteau
H: ‘Twould seem there are only our goodbyes left to complete..
H becomes tearful - B hands him a key to his Casino
H: Blast it all to hell Byron! I have no time for your whore-hold - I have a few more water works to inspect - anyway, addio my dear friend
H and B shake hands and turn their backs, with emotion
​​
j
SCENE 2
Shelley is paying Byron a visit - is impressed by the Palazzo, despite being a communist
B: Shelley - how well you look!
S(panics): Oh dear - do I? (runs to mirror - is temporarily lost in thought) - well, my Lord - business first - I also am being harassed by Murray
B: That fiend! What does the renegade want?
S: He is anxious for your ‘Beppo’
B: humph! tell him - when copied, I’ll send it
S: He complains he has only Sotheby’s Tour..
B: No great things - to be sure (both guffaw)
S: The pompous rapscallion - who don’t speak Italian, nor French, must have scribbled by guess work (both now roaring)
B: He can make any loss up with ‘Spence’ and his gossip - a work which must surely succeed (clink glasses - despite Shelley abstaining from hard liquor)
B: All this deuced nonsense - he must be behind on his party contributions (paces) - he has a stable of hacks - why would he flog his blood horse - which would be me - to death?!
S: I wouldn’t half mind being flogged to death (sinks in chair)
B: What now?
S: Oh! - to be tormented by global stardom and intermittent correspondence from a Gentleman publisher
B: In good time my dear Snake, for now, to succeed you must write to make people purchase and read (ponders, helpfully) - how about General Gordon - a fine subject
S: I detest military matters
B(shakes head): oons! - this is what comes from belonging to a sheep-rearing dynasty - anyway - this fine man, who girded his sword on, to serve with a Muscovite master and help him to polish a nation so owlish - they thought shaving their beards a disaster!
​​
B sees S still in a funk
B: Let’s go to the beach, my friend - you’ll feel better there - brains whizzing etc - you can see my eagle spirit soar
S: Very well
​
B and S depart
j
SCENE 3
​
Breezy day on the Lido - all the horses in Venice belong to Byron and have fantastical saddles, bits etc. - Shelley has a surprisingly good seat considering his longing for death
​
S: You must - after we have communicated without fear along this lonely coast - give me a message to take back to Murray
B: I have many more pounds of flesh for him to feast upon - unless I get the Tertian again - but for now I need corn plasters and Macassar oil - incomparable - did you ever try it? - you have great hair if you’d get it dressed - oh! and a couple of savage Bulldogs
S: He specifically warned me you’d make such outlandish, canker-y aristocratic demands
B: Heh heh - the proper way to deal with the poor yet shrewd man, my good Snake! - no - you may inform him that I’ll conclude a compact without more delay - and repeat to him “please, sir, to mention your pay” - it should provide deuced quality entertainment to watch him respond
S: That your pen is still extant in Venice will be coinage to his ears
B: Now - temporal things done - would you like to witness the pageant of my bleeding heart?
S: Indeed - I’ll race you!
​​
The two poets pick up speed and disappear into the sea spray
​
​
j
​​​END
