LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook
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(Hello and)
Farewell To Malta
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Cast
Lord Byron
JC Hobhouse
Fellow Patient - (a Tertian veteran)​​
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SCENE 1
1809, B and H are on board the ‘Spider’ - a brig o'war
B: Adieu, ye joys of La Valette! Adieu, sirocco, sun, and sweat!
H(looking at map): Greece next, my dear B - ‘twill be a deuced sight sweatier there my friend
B(brow exicsed): I have my reasons for wanting to be rid of this irritable isle
H: Ye curséd streets of stairs?
B: I seem to be missing some jewellery - also, I have promised an assignation with a somewhat remarkable adventuress a year hence
H: A year hence? - who knows where the Aegean breeze will waft us!
B(mutters): mmm - us - yes, let us advance Hobby! you have a multitude of journals to fill and Japan ink to swallow - I have notions of commencing a quite epic poem of sorts re. my journey
H: Splendid - keep it chaste - we must keep an eye on the Abbey - now, I have ample reference volumes - mean harvest averages, yearly rainfalls, etc. - my knowledge is at your disposal
B: Super - oh look at that! (points) is that a mob for ever railing! attacking merchants often failing?
H(consulting Murrays Patented Travel Guide): 'Twould seem they don’t yet have The Watch here
B: Adieu to the supercilious air of all that strut ‘en militaire’!
H: To be sure, I found the locals quite, quite charming
B: You mistake me - ‘tis to the fools who ape their betters, who in the UK would be costermongers of some nature - or carriage upholsterers - whom I find damnably odious
H: We shall encounter suburban parvenus wherever we travel Byron - you must enforce notions of rank by wearing great big feathered hats
B(ignoring H): Curséd red coats, and redder faces!!
H: The boat is lurching - zounds!! my liver is coming up
H leaves B on the fore-aft deck scowling at Valletta
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SCENE 2
Twilight tiptoes in - no change in B’s mood - H is recovered and making notes
B: Adieu, that stage which makes us yawn - adieu, his Excellency’s dancers!
H: Are you going to be like this our whole holiday
B: In truth Hobby, I hardly thought to grieve once more - to quit another spot on earth - esp. here amidst this barren isle, where panting Nature droops the head
H(shares his naggin of brandy): Take heart Byron - we will be roaming over varied seas and scorching climes, free of hectoring kin, of bawds, of Southwell and Wimbledon - making informative sketches and taking notes
B: ‘Tis true - I’ll need them if my poesy is to be in anyway saleable (still sulking) - Hobby, would you mind awfully consulting that Guide - is it absolutely necessary to pass this way again - that is if I ever return to the distant shore which gave me birth?
H is frantic in his researches
H: Looks like it - esp. if you have the tertian
B(pacing): What to do? - what to do?
H: What in the name of Scrope Davies is fretting you?!
B: I have made promises which I’d quite like to keep - but they tie up my timetable somewhat
H(snorts): The lovely wanderer? Mrs. Spencer Smith has extracted a promise from you - a rogue hunter of squirrels?
B: Well, I do quite lust after her - look (shows H locket) - see her golden hair and eyes of blue - German - fond of consonants
H: Chuck it in the sea - she will not wait for thee!
B(sighs): I fear you are right - adieu, ye females fraught with graces!
Night settles in - the lads begin their Levantine adventures
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SCENE 3
May, 1811 - two years have passed - Byron, apart from a couple of Greek servants and a tortoise, is alone
B: By the foot of the Pharoh! I’m back in Malta! Bloody little military hothouse! Be damned to it!!
Byron is in quarantine with the Tertian
B: Thou damned’st quarantine! Almost wish Hobby was here - he was a marginally better conversationalist than my tortoise(smiles at tortoise) I can but stare from out my casement and ask for what is such a place meant?
Fellow patient: Cheer up old soldier
B: I beg your pardon?
Fellow patient: I can see by your big feathered hat you’re an Englishman
B: Fellow patient - tell me - do you long for smoky towns and cloudy skies?
Fellow patient: Lawks I do - summer should last no longer than a doormouse's
B: Ha! well said my friend (B is overcome with emotion) in truth - a femme fatale of my late acquaintance hath betrayed me - me! ever a friend of beauty in distress!
Fellow patient: Don't mind that - there are fine women in Malta - when you are cured of this constantly recurring illness you may partake of their charms
B: My friend Hoppner informed me she had departed ‘ere I set out - and he would have no reason to lie - he’s quite an accomplished purveyor of reliable gossip
Fellow patient: Put her out of your head - it’s the Tertian, not love - you knucklehead
B(taken somewhat aback): What? you impertinent scoundrel!! - I’ll not offend you with words uncivil - and wish thee rudely at the Devil!! (points towards door)
Fellow patient: Go back to your solitary nook then - return to scribbling, or a book!
Fellow patient slams door, cursing the English
B(to himself): I’ll take my physic while I’m able - two spoonfuls hourly by the label - bless the gods I’ve got a fever - I really do prefer my nightcap to my beaver
B falls asleep humming ‘Fair Florence’ by Tom Moore
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END​​​