(Hello and)

Farewell To Malta

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Cast

Lord Byron 

JC Hobhouse

Fellow Patient - (a Tertian veteran)​​

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SCENE 1

 

1809, B and H are on board the ‘Spider’ - a brig o'war

 

B: Adieu, ye joys of La Valette! Adieu, sirocco, sun, and sweat!

H(looking at map): Greece next, my dear B -  ‘twill be a deuced sight sweatier there my friend

B(frowns): I have my reasons for wanting to be rid of this irritable isle

H: Ye curséd streets of stairs?

B: I seem to be missing some jewellery - which is the least of my cares - (is hesitant) also Hobby, I have promised an assignation with a somewhat remarkable adventuress a year hence 

H: A year hence? - who knows where the Aegean breeze will waft us?

B(mutters): Hmmm - us - yes, let us advance Hobby! - you have a multitude of journals to fill and Japan ink to swallow - and I have notions of commencing a quite epic poem of sorts re. my journey

H: Splendid - keep it chaste, we must not provide cause for the fair maid's attorney (opens portmanteau) - now, I have ample reference volumes - mean harvest averages, yearly rainfalls, etc. 

B: Super - oh look at that! (points) is that a mob for ever railing! attacking merchants often failing?

H(consulting Murrays Patented Travel Guide): 'Twould seem they don’t yet have The Watch here

B: Adieu to the supercilious air of all that strut ‘en militaire’!

H: To be sure, I found the locals quite, quite charming

B: You mistake me - ‘tis to the fools who ape their betters, who in the UK would be costermongers of some nature - or carriage upholsterers - whom I find somewhat alarming

H: We shall encounter suburban parvenus wherever we travel Byron - you must enforce notions of rank by wearing great big feathered hats

B(ignoring H): Curséd red coats, and redder faces!!

H: The boat is lurching - zounds!! my liver is coming up

 

H leaves B on the fore-aft deck scowling at Valletta

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SCENE 2

 

Twilight tiptoes in - no change in B’s mood - H has recovered and is making notes

 

B: Adieu, that stage which makes us yawn - adieu, his Excellency’s dancers!

H: Are you going to be like this our whole holiday

B: In truth Hobby, I hardly thought to grieve once more - to quit another spot on earth - esp. here amidst this barren isle, where panting Nature droops the head

H(shares his naggin of brandy): Take heart Byron - we will be roaming over varied seas and scorching climes, free of  hectoring kin, of bawds, of Southwell and Wimbledon - making informative sketches instead

B: ‘Tis true - I’ll need them if my poesy is to be in anyway saleable (still sulking) - Hobby, would you mind awfully consulting that Guide - is it absolutely necessary to pass this way again - that is, if I ever return to the distant shore which gave me birth?

 

H is frantic in his researches

 

H: Looks like it - esp. if you have the Tertian - what in the name of Scrope Davies is fretting you?!

B: I have made promises which I’d quite like to keep - they tie up my timetable somewhat - and yet, I don't want to end up on the scrapheap

H(snorts): The lovely wanderer? Mrs. Spencer Smith has extracted a promise from you - a rogue hunter of squirrels?
B: Well, I do quite lust after her - such wantonness! - look (shows H locket) - see her golden hair and eyes of blue - German - fond of consonants

H: Chuck it in the sea - she will not wait for thee!

B(sighs): I fear you are right - adieu, ye females fraught with graces!

 

Night settles in - the lads begin their Levantine adventures

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SCENE 3

 

May, 1811 - two years have passed - Byron, apart from a couple of Greek servants and a tortoise, is alone 

 

B: By the foot of the Pharoh! I’m back in Malta! Bloody little military hothouse! Be damned to it!!

 

Byron is in quarantine with the Tertian

 

B: Thou damned’st quarantine! Almost wish Hobby was here - he was a marginally better conversationalist than my tortoise(smiles at tortoise) I can but stare from out my casement and ask for what is such a place meant?

Fellow patient: Cheer up old soldier

B: I beg your pardon?

Fellow patient: I can see by your big feathered hat you’re an Englishman

B: Fellow patient - tell me - do you long for smoky towns and cloudy skies?

Fellow patient: My friend, summer should last no longer than a dormouse's - only a fool this heat would romanticize

B(is overcome with emotion): In truth - an overly interesting lady of my late acquaintance hath betrayed me - me! - ever a friend of beauty in distress!

Fellow patient: Don't mind that - there are fine women in Malta - when you are cured of this constantly recurring illness you may partake of their charms - if you're ready with the largesse (grins)

B: My friend Hoppner informed me she had departed ‘ere I set out - and he would have no reason to lie - he’s quite an accomplished purveyor of reliable rumours

Fellow patient: Rid your head of that trollop - remember, to her you were but another of her consumers

B(taken somewhat aback): What? you impertinent scoundrel!! - I’ll not offend you with words uncivil - and wish thee rudely at the Devil!! (points towards door)

Fellow patient: Go back to your solitary nook then - return to scribbling, or a book!

 

Fellow patient slams door, cursing the English

 

B(to himself): Humph! what does a syphilitic sailor know of true love! Where my fair Florence has gone - I shall never know - perchance to Russia, to Trinidad or Tobago? - wouldn't put it past her (yawns) - now,  I’ll take my physic while I’m able - two spoonfuls hourly by the label - bless the gods I’ve got a fever - I really do prefer my nightcap to my beaver

 

B falls asleep humming ‘Fair Florence’ by Tom Moore

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