LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook
.
Maid Of Athens
Ere We Part
B
CAST
3 Maids of Athens
Mother of the House
Lord Byron
J.C. Hobhouse
B
SCENE 1
1810 - a shady lemony courtyard in Athens
M: You are most welcome English milord and his little friend! Do you enjoy lemons?
H: Why, deucedly!
B: What a charming pensione - can we knock that wall through?
M: I can't say - if it is a supporting wall - it may cause structural defects and demolish my entire dwelling
H: My good woman - as the wife of a deceased Englishman - you must understand his Lordship and I, of an evening, require a cavernous dark room, and cigars - and brandy - and perhaps a side entrance (inspects doorways)
B: Shush Hobby! - good god man - (to M) - we are of course willing to pay for the sledgehammer and any other required materials
M: In that case - the transaction is acceptable (turns to the table) Lemonade, gentlemen?
H & B drink a skin full
​
B(to Hobby): Fletcher's gone back to one of his wives - and his beef cheeks - we must get our fine tapered fingers dirty Hobby - to work!! - step aside my good landlady, you will not take offence at our stripping to the waist to engage in this heavy labour?
M: But I have daughters - three - all as innocent as milk-white lambs!
H & B down tools
H: Is that right?! (smooths peruke) I have a double first in Semantics and Pedantics from a notable university
B(thumps H): Oh give me back that sledgehammer, you lumbering lothario! Greece is paradise (breathes deep) - I suspect the air will make me a poet yet - and is rotten with wild eyes like the roe
​
Mother eyes Byron’s gold tasselled uniform, thrown casually over the table
M: Well, not really - rare is the soft cheeks’ blooming tinge, tresses unconfined - never mind the zone-encircled waist
B (piqued): You don’t say so - do such divinities truly exist?
M: You might have to wait for the Ægean wind - wooing has a minimum success rate at 42 ºC in the shade
H: We’ll bathe!
B (guffaws excessively): ‘Tis you my friend needs the sledgehammer - to remove your crusts - (to M) - I shall require bathing apparatus - salts, sponges, fine soap
M: As you say Milord - we will take our family repast at eve - when the lemons are on the wane - you will join us, yes?
H: Yes! - er, most certainly
B: With pleasure - please ensure there is a marked sufficiency of vinegar at table, if you would, please Madam
​
M bows - her eyes still on B's gold tassels
​
B
SCENE 2
The table is covered in fine dining apparatus
H: Bumpers to you mine host - this is indeed a toothsome repast!
M: Please sit - my daughters will bring great platters of our unique cuisine, influenced by the Cosmopolitan environment we have here in Athens
Mother claps hands - the three divinities enter the room
H & B (impressed): Zoë mou, sas agapo!!
M(pleased): Eat, please, whatever you enjoy - did I mention my husband was an Englishman, awfully fond of Brown Sauce and pots of fermented Barley?
B: That’ll do me - and some fish - take back the rest!
H: That Moussaka I long to taste!
​
Kattinka bows and eyes H&B - with lids whose jetty fringe takes them aback
M(to B): Ah! Love is alternate joy and woe - isn’t it though?
B: Somewhat (gnawing fishbone)
H: Can your charmers dance, Madam? I am a great admirer of native customs, frocks etc.
M(claps): Teresa, Mariana, Kattinka!!
T, M & K: Yes Mama?
M: Clear the table my doves - and we will get to know the nice Englishmen
​
Daughters clear table, bring great baskets of flowers and wine
​
B
SCENE 3
Playing, singing and twirling by the three stunners has H&B dying with love
H: Zounds - such a display beats the Waltz hollow
B: The Waltz is obscene - should be banned - this (holds up arms) this! - is life!
M: How good of you to say so, my Lord - I almost feel you belong here - plus, a tan would do you no harm at all
B: A sunburn? (drifts tangentially) - I'd have to reconfigure my entire wardrobe - it would certainly diminish the power of my underlook (refocuses) Athens holds my heart and soul - can I cease to love thee - the town that is - No!
T, M & K: Will that be all Mama?
B: Ah! What words can never speak so well!
Daughters seem confused, jetty fringes fluttering
​
M: Take no offense - they need English lessons - or English husbands peut-être?
H: As previously mentioned, my good woman, I have a proper degree - from a fine old University - perhaps I may be of assistance?
M(eyeing H’s non-gold-epauletted jacket): Appreciated - but I feel their grasp of punctuation and fine handwriting would be better served by Milord - (to B) - you could offer me, say, 500 of your English pounds to teach them?
B(gazing at the divinities): Pay? - You?! I owe about 30k back home!! - Mother is fit to derange me! - No - but I shall write a pretty, throwaway Ode to one of the Maids - which will live through the ages - despite much better stuff I shall later write
H & B get up to leave, kiss the hands of Mother, salute the Divinities
​
M(sighs): So be it - but give, oh, give me back my sledgehammer!
H: We’re off - flying to Istambol - a thousand thanks (bows indistinctly)
B(to girls): Think of me, my γλυκά κορίτσια - when alone!
Mother and Divinities wave and weep, for a bit
H & B(waving): Zoë mou, sas agapo!
B
END