Rhineland | Jed Pumblechook

Lord Byron's Troubles in the Rhineland

Cast

Lord Byron

Fletcher

Dr. Polidori

A Mechanic

the Family Flippenflöpinn

Scene 1

Brussels, 1816 - Byron's top-of-the-range travelling coach has broken down, again

B: Be damned to Baxter! - if this verdigris wonder of transportation cannot navigate the straightest, dullest roads in Europe, I'll be damned what can! - I will ensure he shall either never be paid or be the very last upon my death (kicks broken wheel) - 'tis he who should be broken upon that wheel

F: If it don't be fixed, my lord - we will miss our booking at the Cure Imperial! - the premier inn in Brussels - and I am not sleeping in any more cow sheds!

B: Fletcher, take those eggs out of your mouth - our Inn?

F: Aye, my lord - Mr. Hobhouse booked it - says t'will be very much to your liking

B: Did he now? (smirks, and ponders) - I am a nobleman, these plain people with quite remarkable earrings would not dare cancel my reservation - me and Dr. Pollydolly are off to the plain of Waterloo, Fletcher - you wait here for the wheelwright while we gather the femurs and collar bones of our gallant heroes

B: - furnished us with beds & a “flaggon of Rhenish”

As the low Countries did not make part of my plan (except as a route), I feel a little anxious to get out of them. Level roads don’t suit me, as thou knowest; it must be up hill or down, and then I am more au fait.

but Mr . Baxter’s wheels and springs have not done their duty – for which I beg that you will abuse him like a pickpocket (that is – He – the said Baxter being the pickpocket) and say that I expect a deduction – having been obliged to come out of the way to this place – which was not in my route – for repairs – which however I hope to have accomplished so as to put us in motion in a day or two

bandits

Scene 2

The worst Inn in Carlsruhe

polidori ill

Scene 3

A thundering rap on the door, B opens slowly, fully dressed in night apparel

HD: Open this door - I know my wife is in that bed with you! - I saw the hem of her nighting-gown get caught on the handle

B: Whatever are you talking about - there is no-one in here with me

HD: You will let me in immediately if you are so sure, mein Lord

B: You will not enter my chambers, Herr Glott, if you are a gentleman

HG: Gentleman! - You English think you can commit such domestic atrociousness if you use that word with anything!

B: Indeed, we do - and we can - now, you will take that large boot from my door, apologise for your affront to my honesty and virtue - and leave

A crowd has gathered on the landing - HG's honour is, too, now compromised

HG: Er - I will not - let me in - I am the owner and I suspect my wife to have been compromised by you (struggles to get boot out of door)

FG: Herman!! Vot are you doing?!

Frau Glott emerges from her bedroom in a rage, the landing audience roar

HG: Vot? Vot?

FG: You dumpkoft! - you have waken the whole house - apologise to milord - curtseys (drags husband back)

B collapses into bed

B: I shall have no peace on land!

FG(emerges from under sheet): Mein Gott - papa has such a temper!