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Cast

Lord Byron

JC Hobhouse

Signorita Cordova

Admiral Cordova

Sir John Carr

Donna Joseplia

Donna Maria​

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​​Scene 1

 

1809, Spain - the heat is torrid - the beds are hard - the horses, exceptional

 

H: Dashed handy finding this guide book onboard, eh Byron? - “Seville is pleasant, famous for oranges and" - zounds! - women! - “Spain's maids are no race of Amazons, but formed for all the witching arts of love!"

B(reads): “.. a noble stream call'd the Guadalquivir winds its way through.." - where does it speak of women?(flips pages)

H: Hmm - seems to be a discreet scrawl here - “Ah, Vice! how soft are thy voluptuous ways! While boyish blood is mantling, who can 'scape the fascination of thy magic gaze?"(is flushed) - what whoremonger owned this book? 

B(sighs): Somewhat surprisingly, 'tis of little matter to me, for I promised Mother I'd not sully the Gordon name by galivanting with Spain's dark-glancing daughters (guffaws) - that amiable Alecto fears my marriageability at home will be weakened if I transgress across the waters! (jumps up, scratches back) - by the God of Scrope Davies! - these regimentals may keep brigands at bay, but I am broiling in my own essence (unbuttons scarlet jacket) - come, we shall lave our youthful limbs in that sweet river 'ere we advance 

H: I shall forgo ablutions, Byron - for I must illustrate my Book of Travels (sighs) - my path to fame, perchance

B: Hah! - comfort must not be expected by folks that go a-traveling! (B dunks H in the river) - we are Englishmen, Hobby - and must represent our race as fragrantly as possible

H(squeals): You dog! my peruke is soaked - 'twil take all day to wring!! 

B(reads): “Forms more graceful in motion than can be conceived by an Englishman used to the drowsy, listless air of his Notts. and Lancs. countrywomen" - according to that miraculous guidebook (hands H the soap) - once you are an immaculate ornament to your sex, you may have a chance partaking of such pleasures - my faithful scribbler of pedantic gobbledygook

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Lads whistle ‘Lady of Spain' as they ride towards Seville to meet the travel writer, Sir John Carr

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C: Gentlemen, welcome to Seville - I trust you met no difficulties obtaining eggs or beds along our most excellent highways?

B: Thank you, Sir John - an English nobleman in an English uniform is a very respectable personage in Spain at present - and we were well accommodated

C: Indeed - 'twas sound advice to follow - now, you must introduce me to your little friend - oh my! you seem to be sweating somewhat excessively - from your (looks) scalp?

H(glowers at B): An accidental slip into the Guadalquivir, I'm afraid - (proffers hand) John Cam Hobhouse - my pleasure (scowling)

C: Pleasure - after refreshments, I shall conduct you to one of the houses belonging to the most hospitable of sisters, Donna Joseplia and Donna Maria

B: One of the houses?

H: Two sisters?

C: Aye - though both are unmarried, they own five houses in Seville - a good catch for any man no? (cautions) - you must be aware - Gentlemen - that women in Spain have an astonishing freedom of converse that our own do not - reserve is not the characteristic of a Spanish belle

H: My guide-book would certainly bear that out quite well (blushes, again)

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The men head off to Casa Joseplia​

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Scene 2

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A fine mansion in the town, Sir John makes small talk by the front door

 

C: The ladies are indeed pleased to accommodate you, my Lord - and yourself Mr. Hobhouse - their butler will fetch for - goodness - your luggage, my, there's quite a sufficiency!

B: I have superb feathered headdresses for most occasions, Sir John - for they guard against the sun with the most miraculous efficiency

C: Just so? - now, Donna Joseplia and Donna Maria - may I present Lord Byron and Mr. Hobhouse

H(ogles): My! Huz-zah

C(to self: heh heh): Buenas noches, ladies (whispers to B) - be warned my Lord, casual intrigue is here the business of life!

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B to self: aye, and the scurrilous tattletaleing of same is the business of your life, Sir John

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DJ(to DM): Que guapo es el noble! (to B) - you can share my apartment, my pale nobleman

B: I thank you, however, I must decline Señora (bows) I have escaped from many traps, entanglements and inflammations at home - and have neglected to pack any Pearson's Remedy, be damned to it! - to re-entangle myself abroad

DJ(laughs): You have some English “amante”? - pfft! I am going to be married to an officer in the Spanish army - such arrangements matter nothing when one is on holidays - even for los Ingleses, this is not outlawed? (smiles most sensibly)

DM: If you insist upon an appearance of honour, you shall both have to sleep in our small salon - squeezed squeezed like little sardines - 'til we peel you open!! (ladies roar) - please (shows the way, her skirts beating on her calves) - nuestra casa es tu casa, mi fragante English gentlemen (smiles, less sensibly, at H)

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Three days, and nights, of intrigue pass

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H: Donna Joseplia(nods) - Donna Maria(frowns) - it is time for us to depart for sweet Cadiz - we thank you for your most generous hospitality (bows)

DJ: Niente Hobhouse (rushes to B) - Byrone!! (embraces him with great tenderness) - Adio! tu hermoso! me gusto mucho!! (DJ cuts off three feet of her magical black hair)

B: Gracias, lo atesoraré - I shall send it home to mother - and for you, mia querida (hands DJ a ready-made hair-locket) - I thank you Señora for misinterpreting my wishes (kisses hand and smirks)

H: Donna Maria - I apologise for any misinterpretations in our - er - relations (reads guide book) “hija de un criador de cerdos" ? maybe? er - “tu hermana estaba mejor"

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H gets two thundering boxes on the ear - rose petals are bestowed upon B from the balcony - H is glaring ferociously 

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H: What in the name of the devil?!!! (translates DJ) “Adieu, you pretty fellow, you please me much”!! You unspeakable DEVIL!! (is aghast) - after the vows you made to your mother - and to your Regimentals!

B: Cool your boots Hobby (nonchalantly) I went nowhere near the magnificent creature - perhaps she had an eye on my golden tassels

H: Scalping one's self in gratitude for custom is not common practice amongst hoteliers - even in Spain! (wags finger) Mock as you may, Byron - you'll find Spanish men do not await the first light of dawn to settle such encroachments upon their countrywomen's honour

B: Humph! - honour! (chuckles)  - yours may well be at stake after your incompetent compliments to Donna Maria! I believe, perchance, that “cerdos" - ae - o - whatever - is Spanish for pork, or pig - piglet, mm? yes, “daughter of a pig farmer"(roars) though “your sister was better" was indubitably the ear-boxer

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B admires Joseplia's torrent of raven hair scintillating in the sunshine - H feels ill and faints on his horse​​​

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Scene 3

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H and B have arrived in Cadiz - Sir John is waiting

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C: Gentlemen - sit, please (pours wine) - how did you enjoy Seville - and the gentil donnas? Huh? yes? do tell

B: Exquisite models of morals and good manners - if I ever have daughters, they shall be raised as Spanish Catholics

C(splutters): What?! - my Lord Byron? The notable consumer of  D'Egville's ballarinas? Skilled in the ogle of a roguish eye? Who has all the dowagers of Bucks., Berks. and Herts. in palpitations?

B: I must honour the Scarlet - and vows to my esteemed mother (H snorts) - also, Sir John, I do not wish you to recount my constitutionally colourful peregrinations in one of your publications

C: Deuced disappointing I must say (is irritated) I had much roistering to recommend in that line - however! - the local grandees are clambering to meet you - both - Admiral Cordova has invited you to his family box at the Opera

H: Marvellous

C: He has the loveliest daughter, Signorita Cordova, very pretty in the Spanish style - unmarried though, unfortunately chaste in conduct (sighs) - only when a woman marries here, does she throw off all restraint 

B: Certes, they are by no means inferior to the English in charms, certainly superior in fascination and subterfuge (grins, puffs smoke in H's direction) - and in hospitality, how very quaint

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B feels H's daggers 

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Opera House - introductions are obtained - Signorita Cordova displays a marked interest in his Lordship

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Miss C: Move abuela! (shoves Granny off her seat) - milord - come - sit - Mama is out of sight (flutters fan) you ¿hablas español? Yes? No? - Habla usted francés? 

B: No and si - un peu - oft have I broken my jaw on that deuced language!

H: Fear not señorita - I have my guidebook - it has many common phrases - let us see..

Miss C(to B): I shall become your preceptress el idioma español, milord 

B(bows low): I regret that I quit Cadiz too soon (bows again) - although I am universally understood to be a person of degree - I am not a master of languages (kisses hand, unnecessarily)

Miss C: Que? (whispers) You will conduct me to Papa's mansion after the performance, no? 

B: Myself and Mr. Hobhouse would consider it a great privilege to do so (bows)

Miss C: We will take our lessons, sí?

C(whispers): Byron, you leave tomorrow - who's to know what you say or do?

B(glowers at C): Gracias señorita - but I must order my valet to pack my trunks 'ere we sail (kisses hand) I must, mi niña encantadora, wish you adieu

H(reads guide): “I thank you Madam" - is - let's see - er “Cuánto cobra usted?" - no that doesn't look right - er - “tu madre es una bruja" - perhaps?

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The Admiral and his men violently start - the sound of slowly unsheathing weaponry is somewhat distinct above the on-stage warbling

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Admiral: What did you say, Inglés fragante?!

H(reads, again): um - sink me! - ah “¿Sabes dónde puedo encontrar un proxeneta?"

C: Mr. Hobhouse! - what the hell are you doing! (takes H aside) - you just asked the señorita how much she charges - called her mother a witch - and asked the Admiral if he can recommend a pimp

H: I but referenced this somewhat soiled guide! (waves same manically) 

C(grabs book): Oh! I lost this onboard - the devil be in it! - missed the thing greatly, as a writer of travel literature one must make - er - detailed observations, d'you know, by which a foreigner must abide

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The opera lights bounce off seven advancing blades of Spanish Steel

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A(to fellow audience members): Awake, ye sons of Spain! awake!

C: My Lord - Mr. Hobhouse!! - the war-song is heard in Andalusia's opera boxes! Your regimentals can't save you now, hurry for god's sake! (throws oranges at swordsmen)

H: Perchance our passage to Gibraltar awaits without?! Holy hell!! - Byron - we must make haste!

B(kisses Miss A's hand): I shall return this way, mi hermosa dama (bows) I can never forget the - to quote our guide-book - “fascination of thy magic gaze"

Miss A: Bien sûr, mi señor - for I shall be married by then - and our lessons can commence - my heart will yearn for such days! (flutters her black eyelashes, which mock her coal-black veil) 

C: Admiral!! - have a care! - your sword is cutting and slashing my guide book! 

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Miss A trips up the enraged Hidalgo with fan - knocks Granny on the head - enables B's escape 

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Miss A: Adio! mio Byron! tu hermoso! me gusto mucho!! (waves and kisses)

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H and B make it to the safety of their ship

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H(lights cigars): My apologies Byron - the farewell speeches of your Donnas are seemingly commonplaces - albeit missing from Sir John's obscene, libelous publication! (blushes, again) - and not attached to any particular disgraces

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B smirks, plumes himself on his deft avoidance, not only of being a star feature in same, but the possibility of receiving a maternal box on the ear upon his return 

 

B: Hobby, how merrily we lives that travellers be! Look - fair Cadiz, fading behind the dark blue sea! (the lads wave) - Adieu, fair Cadiz! yea, a long adieu - farewell, lovely Spain! renowned, romantic land - who could 'ere forget thy bewitching spells to one day ardently renew? 

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End

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