LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook
.
The DANGEROUS APOSTLE of
INDEPENDENCE and REVOLUTION
​
d
Cast
Milord Byron
His Excellency, the Chief of Police
A Spy
Teresa G.
Fletcher
Mural Painter of Note
​
d
SCENE 1
1820 - His Excellency the police chief's office, Ravenna
E (to S): Politics here - as you know - are savage and uncertain - and as my best spy, your task is to monitor that scoundrel of an Inglese scribbler, Milord Byron, and report by 5pm each day
S: Excellency - as far as I know - his operations are principally nocturnal
E: I am aware of that - but, due to cutbacks and how dangerous it is about here after dark, we shut up shop at 5
S: Yes Excellency - your Angles in general know little of the Italians - I foresee no great difficulties
E: Very well - keep your distance - he has an eye like a hawk and the spirit of an eagle (leans in) - I need not tell you how crucial your mission is - he could well be conspiring to take our lives - if not - he is most certainly conspiring to take our wives
S: Yes sir - unlike our many attempts at shaking off the Austrians - the bastardo rascals! - I shall not fail (salutes and exits)
Spy takes himself to an out-of-town costumier for a variety of ensembles
S (to himself): There are some ill-disposed persons who have secret relations with Romagnola and Bologna: the Fair at Lugo will be for them a signal for a combined revolt, and in Ravenna a take-over of the public places - I will need several outfits
Palazzo G. - B is supervising mural painting in his bedroom
B: Excellent work my friend - just like Titian and t’other fellow - I shall enjoy contemplating these Venetian beauties while mio sole amante in eterno ++++ is out fishing with Papa
Painter: You are extremely extravagant - and are causing a great sensation Milord - you will attract the attention of His Excellency the chief of police!
B(sighs): I know it! and be damned to it! (attends to his pet crow) - It is all very tiresome to a quiet man who does his best to please all the world, and longs for fellowship and good will - (hands the Painter a shiny coin) - again, I thank you - send the bill to the Count G.
Painter: Grazie, Milord
B is delighted to have something charming to look at while contemplating Marino Faliero, the beheaded Doge
​
Fletcher enters
F: My Lord - the clock has struck eight - it is time to go out and make love
B: Oh yes - almost forgot - thank you Fletcher - be a good man and feed my crow - he has a most dreadful headache - must be this damned weather - the heat is 85 in the Shade - oons! we suffer together, do we not my flying rodent? (tickles the crow’s beak)
F: If I could beg leave my Lord?
B: Yes Fletcher
F: There are reports about the town that police HQ have sent one of their best-dressed men to spy on you - please my Lord - take care - this spy both shoots and stabs with that primitive Italianism one finds in these parts
B: I’m aware of the incompetent knucklehead - who in the name of Scrope Davies masks at Mass?! And who wears frogged breeches with triple-folded fur boots anymore? (both scoff) - anon Fletcher - keep my powder dry - and arm yourself!
​​
d
SCENE 2
The Opera House - Spy is dressed as a disgraced French nobleman - and has opera glasses trained on the Guiccioli's box
​​
T: Who are you glaring at mio Byron! I see no threateningly pretty married women anywhere!
B: There is a preposterous gentleman spying on me for His Excellency the police chief - I will give him something to report on!
T: Do not Byron! We will be exiled from our Estates and have to emigrate to Switzerland! Milord Shelley tells me it is a fomenting cesspit of slander!
B: Deuced correct he is too - although Shelley suspects surveillance wherever he goes as he is deficient in potassium. It is however becoming dangerous for us in Ravenna - since the assassination near your ex-husband's Palazzo, Fletcher was stopped three times in the Street - but on perceiving who he was - the dogs apologised and bade him pass on - they are very indefatigable in their researches - but why send this Pantaloon after me? I have gizzarded nobody!
An attendant hands Byron a note
​​
T: Who is she! It's that puttana Geltruda isn't it! (starts fainting)
B: Good god Teresa! - a warning has just been given to me not to take such long rides in the Pine Forest without being on my guard (ponders) To the devil with them! I will carry a stiletto between my teeth, place a pair of Mantons in my pocket and wear a Highland broadsword at my hip
T: I will give you poison too - as a backup - and a quick guide to potent local curses and hand gestures
B: I seem to have made yet another powerful and unprincipled man my enemy! - apart from Hobby who is now in a rage with me. It is a deuced confounded thing that I never sleep the worse for having psychotic enemies - nor do I ride in less solitary places (shrugs in a Mediterranean fashion) - precaution is useless - one thinks of it as a disease which may or may not strike
T(through opera-glasses): That dilapidated French gentleman is no longer in his box
B: I sense a trap is being laid by our enemies my love - much like my domestic situation viz. 1816 - I must away to the Pine Forest and consult with the Brotherhood of Charcoal Burners and Rosewater Distillers - Ah! (to a wandering well-dressed man) - would you mind awfully escorting the noble Contessa home - I have business fanning the revolutionary fire in the Pine Forest (kisses Teresa's tiny white hand) - grazie and Addio!
​​
The well-dressed military man of an uncertain nation - and spectacular epaulettes - offers T his arm
​
d
SCENE 3
​​
Police HQ - 9am sharp
​
S: Buongiorno Excellency
E: What have you for me Spy - it had better be sensational - I have just been handed your costumiers bill
S: Most relieving news Excellency - the ultra-liberal Milord has no designs on our political squabbles at all - in fact he is taking the Contessa G. to live on the Borromean Islands - as paying guests of the disgraced Queen of England and her cavalier
E: How came you to this information? I wouldn't trust anything said after Mass - or during a particularly tumultuous opera (frowning)
S: Excellency - it was easily done - without the need for superfluous valour. Knowing Milord's aversion to four-hour Operas - I easily tricked him into taking an excursion to the Pine Forest
E: So - has Milord now exiled himself - again? Does he still rest in these environs? Has he mined his talent out - and proceeds in no great phantasy of finding a new vein?
S: I've no notion of his creative endeavours Excellency - however, from the careful and diligent investigations I especially started, as mentioned already, not losing sight either of all that can have related to the neighbouring province of the state, it has come to my knowledge that a muffled voice is spreading in a serpentine fashion - and it is not Milord Inglese - that Englishman is no friend to liberty
E: You’re certainly the man for the job - (on waking, shakes head) - put it in writing - if you can find enough ink
S: Yes Excellency!
E: Wait! Cool your fur-lined boots! If not Milord - who is the muffled, serpentine voice?
S: The Contessa G. - whom, while I was escorting back to her Papa's in my coach and six (E starts) has, perhaps due to the authority my uniform lent me, disclosed information not even I could have unearthed - nay even had I been dressed in my ecclesiasticals
E: Her ex is a dangerous enemy
S: It's not the Count, Excellency (closes windows and doors - despite it being 95 degrees outside) - it is the son of an English sheep-farmer, a man who lives with his second teenaged wife and her sister. Whilst this so far is admirable - the Contessa assures me he is a committed atheist who believes in ghosts, lives on green fruit and, although not remotely famous, has penned a couple of lines of great power which will stir peasants to revolt for years to come! He also stores gunpowder in a badly-made boat and is attempting to break one of our unmarried teenagers out of her convent
E: We will get Papal knighthoods for this
S: He is slippery - somewhat like a common garden snake - but I believe we can lure him with an offer to publish his poesy
E: Do it!
S: I will require the modish uniform of a Gentleman publisher - I must away to my costumier!
​
Later that evening - whilst B is on his way to Teresa - Spy and B are observed performing mysterious hat flourishes to each other as they pass
​​
d
​
END