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​Scene 1

 

1819, Carnivale season at the Palazzo Mocenigo

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B: Tita, attenzione! (waves cane) - we have a lively day ahead - firstly, you must prepare our most accommodating gondola - (muses) mayhap ‘ Il Secchio Dell'amore 2000'?

T: Sì, my lord

B: Fletcher!!

F: Sì, my lord

B: Sì?? - well done, my inelastic man of learning! (to self: oons! three years in Venice and that Notts poltroon has learnt a sole exclamation) - now, Mr. Shelley will land presently, clear out the pianterreno and send all the monkeys upstairs to the piano nobile

F: Eh, my Lord? - you want me to clear out the pantry? - and put the monkeys in the piano? (wanders off, puffing and grumbling) 

B: Fletcher - you irredeemable yokel, do we have a piano? - off, and clean out the ground floor - Mr. Shelley will be hauling in baskets of divers green fruits, as offerings of goodwill and friendship towards that regal visitant to our shores - ‘ Il Colosso - the Wonder of the Azores'

T: Il Colosso! - we have just deposed of that Fornarina! (is in a panic) Lord save us! - the washerwomen will homicide themselves in the canal - my Lord - if you bring another brute into our palazzo - terrorising the goats and scarring the terrazzo!

B: Fletcher, you are aware that ‘ Il Colosso' is an illustrious elephant on tour? - and whom - one imagines - would have but little interest in the state of our floor? (chortles, imagines LaF's reaction to such a comparison) To the task at hand! - the monkeys are to be locked into my principal bedroom whilst Mr. Shelley is here (ponders) - hmm, it may be wise to issue them a fair ration of Canary wine - it may ensure their screechings, leapings and peltings are - in some degree - somewhat less malign

F: It don't surprise me that our poor Mr. Shelley is afraid of those vandals - how they love to launch themselves from the chandeliers! (displays his hands) Just look at these bite marks, my Lord - why they even have luncheon designs on my ears!

B(frowns): That could be the work of your Marietta for all I know - moreover, Fletcher - my monkeys are the most charming cavalieros in Venice - look to it! (monkeys are in fact insulting the goats and peacocks) 

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Tita enters

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T: Mr. Shelley, my Lord

B: Ah - Shelley - mio carissimo amico, welcome - did you leave the baskets by the door?

PBS: Good day t'ye Byron (bows) - most assuredly - I have enough green vegetables, apples, and bananas for ten Il Colosso's! Our kitchen is completely strip't of our preferred English foodstuffs (brow furrows) - in truth, Mary is not best pleased - howbeit, she will just have to use Italian provisions (shudders) - panettone, tortellini, amaretti, Piedmontese agnolotti..

B: Ah, Italia! - the apex of gastronomy! Tita - load up the gondola and we shall make haste to the parade ground on the Riva degli Schiavoni

PBS(claps hands): To Il Colosso - that miracle of physiognomy!

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F tempts the monkeys upstairs with a bucket of fine Canary wine - the menagerie, and Mutz the haggard bulldog, whimper after their master

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*

​Scene 2

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B & PBS take to the Grand Canal and join the gathering of astounded admirers - Il Colosso is prancing about his Ark with great conceit

 

T: La! (points) - the celebrissimo Signor!

B: Tita, keep rowing - we must get closer (gasps) - my, how placid the giant is! - how gently his great ears flutter in the breeze (is moved to tears) - how forbearing he is with we - we, mere insects of the proletariat!

PBS: What a stupendous fellow! - verily, an Adriatic relict of Alexander's Alpine chariot

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​B, a handy right-arm bowler in his day, pitches fruit to Il Colosso - who proves himself an equally handy outfield man

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PBS: His appetite is most entertaining (rummages, frowns) - why, yon monster is a most gluttonous villain - for we have but one basket remaining!

B(discovers scattered comestibles on the gondola's velvet cushions): Pray, what are these decaying morsels?

S: Ah! - that, my friend, is a rustic Italian breed of dough -‘ pane verde' (chews delightedly) - Mary will not have it in the house, so I keep a surreptitious supply always in my pockets 'ere I need a bite - look, Byron, look at the swirling green patterns (is distracted) - I own, it invigorates my brain quite

B(inspects bread): My dear Snake, it would appear more akin to a horticultural blight - however, it shall have to suffice - and as our friend could swallow fire-irons, surely no harm can come to him (spins the bread to Il Colosso)

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Il Colosso chomps - momentarily, he rears, bellows and begins to massacre the waterfront

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PBS: Be damned! Look at that vegetarian gourmet - he has broken free from his Ark!! (hurriedly hides under cushions) - what the devil could prompt this violent display?!
T(blesses himself with equal violence): Santo Cristo, milord! Shall I row?

B: Why, he is but amusing himself (B is vastly amused) Ha! - he is flinging trees and foliage into the water - ah! there goes the Cardinal's viewing platform - such an extraordinary fellow

PBS: Arrghhh! he wears a wild-eyed and disheveled aspect - Tita - row, row for milord's palazzo!

B: Don't mind that, Tita - they are coaxing him with peck-loaves into a barge - a wise move, as he certainly enjoyed your loaves, Shelley - in fact, they wrought quite a change in his attitude towards the world at large
PBS: Holy fires - he has hurled the Cardinal into the convent! Those bolts - and be damned to them! - are impervious to attack - he shall surely break his back!

B: Why, the mad scoundrel! I do believe he is ramming the doors of the Palaço Dogal!

PBS(is bravely standing on Tita's shoulders): No - he is aiming for the fruit shops (the waters of the canal become choppy) - Mother of divine, Tita - row us out of here, pronto

T: The Austrians (spits) have fired their musquets upon him - oh, now he's molto furioso

B: Nuts to all of them! - er, in your own time there Tita - if you'd manage to row - Mr. Shelley cannot swim, you know

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Tita obliges as Il Colosso runs riot, destroying many fruit stalls and bridges until he is out of range of the Austrians​

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*

​Scene 3

 

Four in the morning at Byron's Palazzo 

 

S(is haggard): Byron - if you'll permit me - I have one and a half hungry wives to get back to (looks at clock) I own, there was surely never a rowdier carnival - it's still as barksome as Billingsgate, and unprecedentedly, morally anarchical
B: What! I have yet to eat supper - visit my nine muses - attend to the washerwomen - perchance continue with my new bantling - the Donny Johnny you admire so extravagantly (bites nails) for I am much in need of ready Brain Money re. said muses - Fletcher!!

F: Yes, my Lord

B: Eggs and Canary wine for myself and Mr. Shelley

F: My Lord - there is not an egg nor a piece of bread nor a drop of wine to be had in the house

PBS: I really must be leaving...

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The salon doors fly open - Vice Consul Hoppner and Chief Officer Spoonelli enter

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H: My Lord - can you not hear the riot? - good evening, Mr. Shelley - there has been the Devil’s own row in the city arsenals!
OS: The Austrian constabulary has gone into hiding! - order, at present, is sub-optimal

B(laughs): Indeed, Mr. Shelley was just remarking it has been one of the better carnivales

OS: My Lord! - the carnivale is over for the night

B: Then what the devil is all that noise?

H(is in a rage): That is randomly-aimed cannon shot, Byron! - come this way, pronto

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H leads the party upstairs and into B's principal bedroom - Il Colosso is bellowing on the balcony, the monkeys gleefully offer him tribute in the form of priceless Venetian décor

OS: Look! - that felonous, chaotic beast is hurling your tapestries and chandeliers and mirrors and - Santa Maria! - paintings of varied Mocenigo ancestors, mistresses, and Doges - unrecoverably into the canal!

H: Byron, are your monkeys drunk?! - good god, now we have a battle royale

OS: Oh, your magnificent canopied bed! I have never seen such wanton destruction of bed hangings and small cloaths!

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PBS frowns at a blithe B 

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H: You shall certainly lose your deposit - and your geraniums (pots crash into ‘ Il Secchio Dell'amore 2000' wobbling violently at its post)

OS: Madame Mocenigo must be quaking in her attic, praying for deliverance from the Austrians

B: What Madame Mocenigo does in her own time is not my concern (approaches Il Colosso) - I wonder what brought our friend here? - and what enrages that hellion so rare?
OS: The nuns in the bell tower spied him heading this way - unsurprisingly, none of your staff remarked on a new - albeit outsized - addition to your menagerie

PBS(is inspired): Is it the rutting season? He must have gone mad and followed a scent, looking for a she-creature

B(admiringly): The gallante!

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The elephant turns his great head towards PBS and calmly approaches, the drunken monkeys persist in their looting, despite it no longer being strictly necessary

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H: How remarkable - he is striding right toward you, Mr. Shelley (gentlemen back towards the door)

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Il Colosso gently stretches out his trunk towards PBS - PBS holds his ground

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B: I must say, Shelley - you don't want courage (to self: he hardly confuses him for a She-creature?!)
OS: Ohh! - mind his trunk - he is reaching for your pockets, signore Shelley

PBS: Zounds, this is quite the burlesque! - oh, I do believe he is searching for remnants of ‘ my pane verde' (proffers crumbs) - here, my notorious renegado (gently pats trunk) - why, (to B) - up close, he is not at all grotesque

B(is all amazement): Sunburn me! - he must have followed your ‘ verde' crumbs all the way to the palazzo!

H: You have it, my Lord! - now, with your help Mr. Shelley, we must lead him down what remains of the marble stairs if we are to save him from slaughter by the Austrians

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The elephant placidly follows, curling his trunk around Shelley's arm - B is much moved 

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B: Why, the Snake and the Elephant - who'd suppose they'd be pipkins of the same pottery?

PBS: Il Colosso, I shall lead you back to our Eugenaen Hills, where you can live out your days in peace

OS: Ah, non, Signore Shelley - he has caused stupendous criminal damage and wasted an arsenal of gunpowder - non, Il Colosso is the property of the police

B: It is as well, Shelley (pats back) - another elephant in the room? Mary would soon tire of such a caprice

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The police gondola arrives - PBS and Il Colosso enjoy their breadcrumbs, the elephant's ears shielding the poet from gunfire

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B: What say you, Fletcher - should you have liked that noble beast in my menagerie?

F: Sì, milord - he surely would have flung those crapulous monkeys into the Adriatic sea! 

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B allows his nine muses to re-plaster his cannon-damaged walls as a treat - and whistles as the hungover monkeys, the goats, and Mutz settle at his feet

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*

​End

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