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To a Lady Who Presented to the Author

a Lock of Hair Braided with His Own

and Appointed a Night In December

to Meet Him in The Garden

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A

 

Cast

a callow Lord Byron

2 Virtuous Ladies

2 Learnèd Virgins

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A

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Scene 1

 

1806 - a comfortable mansion in Southwell, Notts

 

B: Well, I’m not stirring ladies - the snow is vastly un-Vinous this evening! let’s have some Champagne!

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A volley of frowns from the Learnèds, followed by a volley of sighs from the Ladies

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Lady 1(sighing and whining): How dreary it is, my Lord, firstly, to have no balconies, and also to have such mucky weather in our usually Arcadian groves

B: You sound like Lydia Languish - fretting with self-created anguish

Lady 2: Indeed, why should you sigh and whine? - we’ve an expensive sea-coal fire roaring - why for clear skies would you pine?

B: Well said, er, Miss, er - in Italy I’d have no objection, warm nights are proper for reflection; but here our climate is so rigid, that love itself is rather frigid

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Gasps and collapsing of the Learnèds - Byron calls for Boatswain and brandy

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B: Good's teeth, ladies! - I merely concur with that over-esteemed cockney, Shakespeare - he, after all, set the precedent since Juliet first declared her passion in a garden

L1(stirred to life) : Aye! - with silly whims and fancies frantic, merely to make her love romantic!

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B pops the Champagne - the cork, unfortunately, breaks a pane of glass

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Lady 2(to B): Oh my Lord! The handyman is off tonight (to B) Pray, would you care to help me in the leafless shades to sue for window repairs?

Lady 1(standing in a fury): It is my locks which are fondly entwined with his! 

Lady 2(now also standing in a fury): In firmer chains our hearts confine (gazes at B) and swell above nonsense love orations!

​B(kicks fire): I did not come to this execrable kennel for the fun of it! - I require no assignations, declarations, or protestations!

Lady 1: How feel you about potations?

Lady 2: Libations?

Learnèd 2(handing B. her Book of Common Prayer): Exhortations?

B: I’m almost out of Champagne

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A

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SCENE 2

 

Byron is asleep on the sofa

 

Lady 1(whispering): Byron! Byron! Our love is fixéd, I think we’ve proved it, nor time, nor place, nor art have moved it

B: Oons! that’s a nasty breeze - haven’t you fixed the window yet? Why doom the lover you have chosen, on winter to nights to sigh half frozen!

Lady 1: Then let us meet - as oft we’ve done - beneath the influence of the sun

B: In sooth, my dear, as the English winter ends in July - only to recommence in August - it doesn't give us acres of time

Lady 2(bursting into room with hardware): I have putty! - just think on our chilly situation my Lord!

B(to self - mem. must find devoted lifelong servant tomorrow): Enough, enough my rural strumpets!! While it is true we can love for hours together, there’s a chance my passion could fail to please

Ladies: I’ll be content to freeze!!

B(raises fine tapered fingers): No, ladies! - any more pleadings, I’ll give loose to laughter - which, combined with my current alcohol content, will curse my fate for ever after

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Enter the Learnèds, re-coiffed and stern

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Learnèd 1: Curb this rage for imitation, young ladies

Learnèd 2: Be content not to rise above your station

B: The Devil take ye all!! There's fewer hazards visiting my Matron! - yea, e'en if my faithful hound has rabies

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The Learnèds faint on top of Boatswain - Byron orders his coach, necks the remaining Champagne

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B: Addio fair ones! Preserve my hair locket - Miss er, (frowns) - when I am clay - please, feel free to hock it(bows deeply)

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A

END

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