LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook
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To a Lady Who Presented to the Author
a Lock of Hair Braided with His Own
and Appointed a Night In December
to Meet Him in The Garden
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A
Cast
a callow Lord Byron
2 Virtuous Ladies
2 Learnèd Virgins
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A
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Scene 1
1806 - a comfortable mansion in Southwell, Notts
B: Well, I’m not stirring ladies - the snow is vastly un-Vinous this evening! let’s have some Champagne!
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A volley of frowns from the Learnèds, followed by a volley of sighs from the Ladies
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Lady 1(sighing and whining): How dreary it is, my Lord, firstly, to have no balconies, and also to have such mucky weather in our usually Arcadian groves
B: You sound like Lydia Languish - fretting with self-created anguish
Lady 2: Indeed, why should you sigh and whine? - we’ve an expensive sea-coal fire roaring - why for clear skies would you pine?
B: Well said, er, Miss, er - in Italy I’d have no objection, warm nights are proper for reflection; but here our climate is so rigid, that love itself is rather frigid
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Gasps and collapsing of the Learnèds - Byron calls for Boatswain and brandy
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B: Good's teeth, ladies! - I merely concur with that over-esteemed cockney, Shakespeare - he, after all, set the precedent since Juliet first declared her passion in a garden
L1(stirred to life) : Aye! - with silly whims and fancies frantic, merely to make her love romantic!
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B pops the Champagne - the cork, unfortunately, breaks a pane of glass
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Lady 2(to B): Oh my Lord! The handyman is off tonight (to B) Pray, would you care to help me in the leafless shades to sue for window repairs?
Lady 1(standing in a fury): It is my locks which are fondly entwined with his!
Lady 2(now also standing in a fury): In firmer chains our hearts confine (gazes at B) and swell above nonsense love orations!
​B(kicks fire): I did not come to this execrable kennel for the fun of it! - I require no assignations, declarations, or protestations!
Lady 1: How feel you about potations?
Lady 2: Libations?
Learnèd 2(handing B. her Book of Common Prayer): Exhortations?
B: I’m almost out of Champagne
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A
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SCENE 2
Byron is asleep on the sofa
Lady 1(whispering): Byron! Byron! Our love is fixéd, I think we’ve proved it, nor time, nor place, nor art have moved it
B: Oons! that’s a nasty breeze - haven’t you fixed the window yet? Why doom the lover you have chosen, on winter to nights to sigh half frozen!
Lady 1: Then let us meet - as oft we’ve done - beneath the influence of the sun
B: In sooth, my dear, as the English winter ends in July - only to recommence in August - it doesn't give us acres of time
Lady 2(bursting into room with hardware): I have putty! - just think on our chilly situation my Lord!
B(to self - mem. must find devoted lifelong servant tomorrow): Enough, enough my rural strumpets!! While it is true we can love for hours together, there’s a chance my passion could fail to please
Ladies: I’ll be content to freeze!!
B(raises fine tapered fingers): No, ladies! - any more pleadings, I’ll give loose to laughter - which, combined with my current alcohol content, will curse my fate for ever after
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Enter the Learnèds, re-coiffed and stern
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Learnèd 1: Curb this rage for imitation, young ladies
Learnèd 2: Be content not to rise above your station
B: The Devil take ye all!! There's fewer hazards visiting my Matron! - yea, e'en if my faithful hound has rabies
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The Learnèds faint on top of Boatswain - Byron orders his coach, necks the remaining Champagne
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B: Addio fair ones! Preserve my hair locket - Miss er, (frowns) - when I am clay - please, feel free to hock it(bows deeply)
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A
END
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