LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Brief Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook


a Letter Supposed to be written from
FLETCHER to HOBHOUSE
giving an account of
Byron's death in Venice
in 1818
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Cast
William Fletcher
Lord Byron
JC Hobhouse
Dr. Aglietti
Vice-Consul Hoppner
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W
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SCENE 1
Fletcher informs Hobhouse of Byron’s demise
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F: Welcome to our Palazzo my Lord
H: I am not a Lord - nay not even an Hon. as yet
F: Please do be seated on that chair my Lord - I am burthened with great grief
H(wears an expression of concern and amusement): Are your wives harassing you for bank tokens? Are your percents not paying sufficient dividends? (snickers) - what can ail a hearty yeoman like you Fletcher?
F(woeful): Didn’t I ask you to be seated my Lord - I have discomforting information
H: ‘Tis but from my Whiggish liberality that I’m letting such insolence slide
F: My dear late Master..
H: Your what?
F: My dear late Master - if you’d let me finish sir (H is pale - he now relents and sits) - died this morning at ten of the Clock of a rapid decline & slow fever caused by anxiety, sea-bathing, women and riding in the Sun against my advice
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Hobhouse convulses - F pours him a stiff one
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F: He is a dreadful loss to everybody, mostly to me - who have lost a master - and a place
H: Sunburn me! I cannot believe it! Why - we were only out masking and passading last eve!
F: I hope you - Sir - will give me a charakter
H: I want to see the body - immediately - he must be repatriated (to self: - will the Abbey take him? certes, he hasn't, actually, as yet, rotisseried the Regent, though he has scalped Wellington) - Fletcher! - show me where he lies - pronto!
F(horrified): I swear on my Marietta, Monetta, and Piretta - although on the Town, they are good Christian women in all other matters moral - that I cannot! (wanders out of reach) - anyway, my Lord - although I am of some monetary substance, for I saved in his service as you know several hundred pounds - God knows how, for I don’t - nor my late master neither - my wage was not always paid to the day
H(now angry): Deuced if you are not looking solely for cash at this most dreadful juncture?
F: I have wives - sir - here and at home - and there are probably a few children as well since I left - Sir - you who are his executioner won’t see a poor Servant wronged of his little all
H - still sitting - slowly recovers his senses
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H: Fletcher - you sly Notts scoundrel - I demand to see our dead Apollo
F: You can’t - quarantine laws forbades it
H(now fully recovered): I shall visit that rapscallion Vice-Consul and shameless gossip, Hoppner - I will get to the bottom of this!
F: Feel free to ask my dear Master’s several phisicians and his Priest - he died a Papish - with coins on his eyes and incense up his nostrils
H: Give me their names, you yokel - if you are deficient in calligraphic skills - I shall ask Hoppner instead
Fletcher hurriedly writes the names on a piece of B’s discarded cantos of “CHP 5 - A Journey Through the Grimpen Mire of Marriage and How to Survive It”
H: humph - I shall return anon Fletcher - see to it that the staff, working girls included, are assembled and awaiting my return
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Departs with a threatening sneer and an unconvincing cape-flourish
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SCENE 2
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At the office of Dr. Aglietti
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment? Are you syphilitic?
H: No - not at the moment. I need to speak with the greatest urgency to the good doctor
Aglietti peers around door
H: You! Italian medical man! A word please (H quite commanding when necessary)
A: My Lord?
H: Yes, well - (H becoming quite comfortable with this understandable continental error) - my late - NO! - my BEST friend's insufferable oaf/valet has been misinformed of the former's death
A: Ah!! The Lord Bryon! We are all tragically sad here in Venice - so much income he brought to the poor! One suspects he did not quite comprehend exchange rates
F: That is possible - however - I want to see proof of death
A(to receptionist ): It is in my files, fetch! - (to H) I can inform you My Lord that he suffered his illness with great patience - except that when in extremity he twice damned his friends and said they were selfish rascals, you - Lord Hobhouse particularly - who never answered his letters nor complied with his repeated requests(shakes head) All - except a Mr. Kinnaird - whom he praised inordinately for the diminution of old fiscal embarrassments - received the lash of his satire during the last rites
F: Pffft - not even in delirium would he insult ME!!​​​​
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The receptionist returns, empty-handed and in wet-weather gear - she and Aglietti jump out the window into a waiting Gondola - H’s little grey cells are racing
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SCENE 3
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H appears at Vice-Consul Hoppner’s palazzo, and - foregoing formal introductions via a negligent doorman - confronts him
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H: You would be Hoppner - I presume
Hoppner: You are Hobhouse? - you have the mien and manner which my best friend Byron oft described (laughs)
H: Damned if I shall be diverted from my quest by insults from - (exclaims a hearty ‘Ha’ - adjusts peruke) - from the son of a minor portrait painter! You know of course why I have entered your dilapidated premises?
Hoppner(shifting a tad): I suspect so - ‘tis a terrible tragedy - just as he was learning his catechism - I want to assure you that his nine whores are already provided for - as are the pea-fowl and the other servants
H(diverted but still angry): And that contemptible Nottinghamshire tenant with notions of Service?
Hoppner: Oh indeed - he pretends to his Cloathes & Carriages - and Cash - & everything - his Late Lordship was an indulgent master
H: He was culpably lenient, and liable once, that I remember, to his servants - however, there is proof still required - where does he lay?
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F runs into the room - without a formal introduction - pouring sweat. H smirks
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F: I forgot to mention that Consul Hoppner (Hoppner is glaring) quite against law has clapt his seal and taken an inventory and swears that he must account for my Lord’s heirs - who they are, I don’t know - but they ought to consider poor Servants and above all my'sen - his Vally de Sham
H: Hoppner has already inventoried His Lordship’s items in your possession Fletcher - (stands triumphantly on his tip toes) - now that we are all gathered here, this abominable fraud shall be revealed
H walks up to Hoppner’s inefficient doorman - removes his carnival mask
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H: For shame Byron! - you damnable hoaxster!
B(unabashed): Well played Hobby - come - I will explain the situation so charmingly - with somewhat excessive use of my perfect teeth and memorable laugh - the scrape which led me to enormities such as my wife never witnessed
H has already forgiven him and is planning an excursion to a timber yard
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B(paces): Although I was comfortably in funds for some time - thanks to the comptrolling of Kinnaird, paying my cellar receipts promptly and La Fornarina's somewhat violent housekeeping - I found I had once more so overspent on horses and upholstery for my gondola that my residence became infested with bailiffs - albeit with more of an eye to my housemaids than to ready money
H: But why? Murray has been paying you through the ear, nose and throat for years
B: Murray?! Nay, Hobhouse - that is my brain-money - that I use solely for my bollocks! In truth, my washing and ironing charges were exceedingly high - Dr. Aglietti demanded immediate payment for vast quantities of ‘Il Pearsoni's Remedy for Inflamed Nethers’ by the surrender of my fine, accommodating Gondola - Fletcher as you can see by the exceptional Frankish tailoring of his jacket has been somewhat overpaid - and Hoppner has control over my love life for the foreseeable future - so you see I am done up!
H, Hoppner and F: Yet again!!
B: Death and escape - of sorts - seemed the only honourable option - and be damned to it!
H: Sink me if you won't quite literally be damned a second time if you try this caper again
B: If I could but haul the deluxe sea-coal up from my mines, I should have no fear of the duns (shakes greying curls) - how I sincerely wish that scoundrel Hanson at the devil!!!
H: Your never-tiring associates will think of something - such nervousness do you inspire in us - but with two conditions - 1. settle for life with ONE Italian married woman - married, mind - saves a deuced amount of paperwork - 2.write more for the ladies, i.e. pirates, pashas, illicit loves etc. - they'll restore your fortune
B(slightly shamed): Hobhouse, my friend - you have often been tried and never found wanting - as yet (pats him on the head)
F: I am also, with tears in my eyes, yours faithfully to command my Lord
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B takes the fine Frankish jacket off F
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B(to F): Bring me the lease to my Casino - Hoppner witness - I am giving a week's? - nay - owing to union regulations - a month's - notice to my devilishly expensive carnal carryings-on
H(delighted - pats B on back): To new - less contagious - adventures! Now, to find you a wife - God help us - someone else's!!
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All laugh heartily and repair to the little sensual comforts of Byron's Palazzo
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W
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​END

