LORD BYRON
BICENTENNIAL TRIBUTE
Amusing Poetical Anecdotes for Brief Byronic Theatricals
by Jed Pumblechook

The Waltz
an Apostrophic Hymn
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Cast
Horace Hornem, Esq. – Parliament Man
Mrs. Hornem
Flossie - a Maid
2 No. marketable Misses Hornem
Countess of Waltzaway
Lord Byron - (non-speaking part)
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SCENE 1
Hornem Hall - a stout mansion in the Midlands
HH(hovering over Mrs. H): Mrs. Hornem - we must of necessity repair to London! - tell Flossie the maid to start packing - we shall not be late for the Season!!
Mrs. H: Which season? - is London so far away that its climatic zone differs from that at Hornem Hall?
HH: 'Tis the marriage season Mrs. Hornem! for the sake of our girls - aged 15 and 16 respectively - you must tolerate a Season in London (in a flurry) - they have little chance of getting wed at any point hereafter
Mrs. H: Oh, very well (rings bell) - ah Flossie! pile up the old chariot - and see to it that our ballgowns and associated accoutrements are in good repair
HH: I shall need my best blue coat and fresh nankeens
F: Yes Master Hornem Esq.
HH: Fine servant that (grumbles to self ) don’t seek to ingratiate herself with a man of substance by means immoral
Mrs. H: Flossie!- I shall require purified liquor and smelling salts - our piggery is a French perfume manufactory compared to our odorific Capital (shudders)
HH: Mrs. H - we will succeed re. marrying them off this year - the sheep are fattening, the price of corn is mercifully high - and their dowries in the six percents increase apace
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Rings bell - two charming country girls appear, decked out in the latest Midlands fashions
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Girls: Oh Papa! Oh, Mama! We make for London yet again - will we soon have Beaus!!
Mrs. H: Merciful hour - girls, play a little hard to get (yells) Flossie!!
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Flossie enters and carries the girls, the luggage and Mrs. Hornem out - HH refuses and proudly makes his own way ​
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SCENE 2
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The Hornems are established at Waltzway House, home of Mrs. H's cousin, the Countess of Waltzaway
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W: Tonight girls - you must dazzle the Company or you will end up in the workhouse
Girl 1: We are prepared for the lewdness of high life in London
Girl 2: We have been reading poetry
W: Excellent preparation - for nothing is lewder (rings bell) - Flossie!!
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Flossie enters with HH and Mrs. H
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HH: Jolly good - very pretty, my dears - best behaviour now - (grumbles) for the sake of appearances I've had to purchase a second-hand barouche so we need to get those wedding settlements rolling in, pronto
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All pile in and head off to the ball
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Mrs. H: Cotillons, reels - fine country tunes - perchance there may even be new tunes!
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Girls squeal - carriage pulls up to a mansion glowing dangerously with candlelight and surrounded by a moat of manure
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Mrs.H: Flossie!!
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Flossie lifts each female Hornem over the dung and into a packed vestibule - HH does Trojan work on his own
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Mrs. H enters the dance-floor at speed
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HH(shocked and shaking): Flossie! What is poor dear Mrs. Hornem doing with her arms half round the loins of a huge hussar-looking gentleman whom I never set eyes on before? and his, to say the truth, rather more than half round her waist, turning round, and round, to a damned see-saw up-and-down sort of tune
Flossie: It reminds me of the ‘ Black Joke' only more ‘ affettuoso' - oh! - avert your eyes Master Hornem - Mrs. H.'s hand is on his shoulder!
HH: Oh - dear God! - they're at it again, like two cock-chafers spitted on the same bodkin - where are my marketable daughters! Flossie - go left! I'll go right!!
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Flossie, in her best mob cap, ranges through the diamonds, feathers, and pearls of the fashionable fair
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HH(red-faced, has found his daughters): Girls!! - this raucous activity - the Waltz - it's the latest obscene thing imported from the Rhine - Mrs. Hornem has already gotten into a scrape with the Prince of Wales - I would advise not getting involved - one's reputation - and shins - and fine muslin - cannot recover from a full dance card of Waltzes
Girl 1: I'm itching to use my twinkling feet! - my future depends on each fantastic toe!
Countess of W(intercedes to HH): Do you want them to be wed or what? (to girls) - thy legs must move to conquer as they fly, thy breast - if bare enough - requires no shield (shoves girls) - go on, dance forth - sans armour thou shalt take the field!!
Girl 2: Ooh! look at that young Hussar - he looks quite the whiskered votary of Waltz and War!
Girl 1: A sight unmatched since Orpheus and his brutes! (points) That knight's Fandango is friskier than it ought!
Countess of W(passing them each some wine): Knock it back girls - through the full veins its gentler poison swims - and wakes to wantonness the willing limbs
HH: Saints spare us!! (taking a seat) Not since Cleopatra on her galley's deck has there been displayed so much of leg or more of neck! (mops sweat) - Flossie, find the now-irredeemable Mrs. Hornem! - Flossie??
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Flossie is nowhere to be found
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SCENE 3
​HH finds the Girls standing quietly in a corner
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Girl 1: We found Flossie - she has damned herself and cannot be saved - verily, she was unearthed in a very large Carriage with silk upholstery and a library
HH: Flossie! (distressed) Who will carry Mrs. Hornem now! (sighs, bites nails) I believe there is not one single gentleman who seeks no torments for life - just pleasures for a week!
Mrs. H(rushes over in a tizzy): Mr. Hornem! Mr. Hornem! (picks up the stout fellow in her arms) - the Waltz is really quite endearing - compared with the Irish Jig and ancient Rigadoon (places his hands, which freely range in public sight) - come, I will demonstrate - our Spectred host taught me in the back Ball-room
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Off the Hornems Waltz with increasing delirium - to the disgust of the Girls
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Girl 1: Our Matron, ever on the watch to make a daughter's match - has ruined our chances - of marriages - and of dances!!
Girl 2: Also - I'm no damsel, fainting when rather closely pressed! - I shall marry a country rector - and have no need for Superfluous Hartshorn and reviving Salts for my sturdy breast
F(approaches the Girls, somewhat mortified): Evening Misses - your parents - and the Countess of Waltzaway - are compromising themselves before the most notorious gossips of the Ton!!
Girl 1: Papa too?
F: Mr. Hornem Esq. has quite come around to the Saxon tune
Girl 2: We shall never find any class of beaus now!
F(hesitates): erm, 'twould seem, Misses (mutters: ‘ah, sink me’ ) - you spy that pale man darkly underlooking - standing by the Adam fireplace - the marble one (the Girls stand on tiptoe) - surrounded by praying, ambitious, yea! lustful women? Zounds! if we're not engaged to be married! (Squeals)
Girls are agape, and agog
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HH(comes a-running, distressed): Flossie! Flossie what have you done?
F: I was carrying various personages over the manure moat - and - who'd have thought - I was bewitched by a head of black locks and a voice not unlike hot chocolate after a hard winters day in the piggery - (fumbles) - I thence proceeded to surrender to this luminous being on the condition we be married at some point in the future
HH, and the 2 Girls: Oh poor - quite insanely stupid - Flossie!
F: humph! - I am warm, not wanton; dazzled, but not blind - the Courier reports on class-defying marriages every week - I will be a Lady! - if I could just remember his name (bites finger)
HH is taken aback by Flossie - notices her brownish curls, smoothed by the fine silk of the upholstery, and her vivid post-carriage-conversation complexion - becomes stern, coughs
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HH: The behaviours of Mrs. Hornem this eve have a strong whiff of a successful Crim.Con situation (beaming at Flossie) - an Esq. cannot afford a Napoleonic silk-lined carriage with excellent suspension - would a second-hand barouche offend?
F: Oh! Master Hornem! - ye, ye who never felt a single thought for what my Morals ought to be, who wisely wished the charms you view to reap, Say - would you make those beauties quite so cheap?
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Flossie defiantly steals a velvet headpiece with a large feather, and the sideboard on which it rests, - and departs - only to be caught up in the swelling tempo by an empty-handed Prince of Wales
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END


read the poem here!